So this is where I went yesterday evening. My journey starts off with a peaceful day in my quaint little city. The prior week, my ex and I had made plans to have dinner together, after not having seen each other for a year or two. She lives quite a busy lifestyle, so it’s hard for us to get together. Also, there have been many barriers in the past and it has always been tough for us to communicate after we had broken up. Undoubtedly, both of us has had to put an amazing amount of effort in to solidify our footing. I have of course mentioned casually to her to meet up and maybe do something small, have a lunch or a dinner – but to no avail. Finally as time progressed, she took the initiative to ask me to meet up for dinner. I was ecstatic as I haven’t seen her for quite a while.
For those who follow my blog, you’ll know that we got into a minor “argument” with trying to get things going for us, more importantly, I’m one of the type who don’t like to explore outside of my comfort zone. With that being said, I’ve relied on my vehicle to transport me everywhere, and taking public transport has been long ago. I had wanted to meet her half way, in Mississauga, although she would not be able to make it with time to spare for dinner. So, I sucked it up and went out to Toronto. Suffice to say, it was a great experience. I told her how prestigious it was for me to visit her there, because I don’t even go out to Toronto for my dear cousin (whops, I’ll have to do that, LOL), let alone an ex-girlfriend.
I was supposed to take the 4:42PM train towards Toronto and really, I’d a complete newb-cake when it comes to this stuff. I left my house early because I didn’t know whether the parking lot there would be full. I left my house at 3:30 – which was beyond early (but was pressured by my mom who fretted – duh!) and arrived at 3:50 and even had parked by then. I bought my ticket and I wanted to die having to wait another 50 minutes before I could get on the train. The particular station I started at – let’s just say, is not exactly “big” and except for a newsstand, there was nothing more to peruse. I had overheard another individual talking to his friend about catching the “4:10 train” and my ears perked up immediately. Yes yes, eavesdropping is bad, but the station is not exactly big and you can crisply hear every conversation.
I had checked my ticket and rather than having a definitive time on it, it said it could “be used within 4 hours of issuance” which I understood as that I could take any train within 4 hours of the timestamp on my ticket which was heading to the allotted location I paid for – so there we go, I found an earlier train! The ride is 1 hour and so I proceeded to hop on the earlier train designated to arrive at 5:10PM. My friend (henceforth known as “L”) agreed to meet up at 5:50-6PM at Union Station in Downtown Toronto, therefore, I’d be arriving at least 40 minutes earlier – however, I knew that being a bigger station, there was bound to be more things to look at than the small station where I departed from.
One thing I’ll tell you that I learned, is try to find a seat facing the direction of travel! It sucks when the train is moving one way and you’re facing backwards because it makes you sick. I’m not particular to motion sickness, but it wasn’t as “comfortable”. The train seating was relaxed, after all, people live in small cities and work in big cities, so traveling towards the big city at the end of the day is irregular. I noticed keenly that random people would strike conversations on the train, probably to kill time. Some where “regulars” and some weren’t, but were comfortably engaged in conversations ranging from kids, family life to their work. Not being someone accustomed to riding on a train, I would only say a few words and smile/facial reaction to things said.
Part way through the train ride as we approached a more Asian-influenced area, several Asian girls boarded the cart. I avoided looking at them, only because I find it to be a rude gesture to stare someone down. Also, the last thing I want to look like is one of those train-perverts. Everyone took their seats and the two Asian girls sat in the seat opposite of me. I looked up and smiled, just to acknowledge their presence, but not offend them. Part way to the next station, they struck up a conversation with me. I must say, at first, it was weird to talk to someone just because you happened to be sitting across from them – but it’s quite a good time-killer. They were your typical modern, fashionable Asian girls. They seem to have an understanding of Cantonese, but still spoke in non-accented English. It’s rather weird how comfortable you can become talking to random people on the train. Soon enough, I arrived at the station. I thanked them for the conversation and said my goodbyes. They asked me if I ride the train regularly (probably since they’ve never seen me or I looked less-than-knowledgeable about the train-system) and which I responded that this was, “my second time ever.”
As I got off the train and checked my clock, it was right-on-schedule, with at least 40 minutes to spare. I messaged L to let her know I arrived and that I’d be wandering around Union station. The last time I went there on the train was also to meet up with her, after we broke up. I never got time to “explore” the area, so decided this was a great opportunity. The place was bustling – people booting it for their trains, trying to connect their transfer, business people trying to talk on the phone over seas of loud voices and people pushing/shoving their way through. I got shoved a few times and responded with less-than-admirable force back, lol. I’m one of those people who do not like bumping into people or at least will apologize when it happens. Most of these rushing people didn’t… and trust me, when they pushed, I pushed even harder. I know you should never “fight fire with fire” – but I dislike being treated rudely and if some people feel that is ok, then I shall return the favour.
The funniest thing that happened in the station, was that it was almost a scene from a cliché Hong Kong TVB drama, where two people “don’t have fate” – lol. We waited for each other, only to realize we had both been sitting there the whole time.
I was worried that she was not going to come (although I could not imagine that would be the case – but the thought passed my mind), so I got up off my seat to see her impatiently sitting there too and checking her phone, lol. Oh god, she was gorgeous, my eyes wanted to explode – haha… she’s just as beautiful, if not more, than the last time I’ve seen her!
The conversation started immediately and as we walked our way out of Union, it was pretty non-stop, lol. We really did take full advantage of the night, we enjoyed (err… well I did, dunno about her, LOL) the evening and it was spectactular. We talked about so many things and I really can’t even recall some of it due to (she likes to call me ‘old’ all the time) my poor short-term memory… ask me 2 years from now and I’ll remember every word 😀 We ate at Hot House Cafe on Church St. and for those who know Toronto, Church street is well-known for being the larger community of gays and lesbians. Maybe it was where we were, but I sure as hell didn’t identify most of the people passing by as falling into these orientations explicitly. They did not have your stereotypical “sissy boy attitude” or “butch girl” demeanor one would imagine to expect in on Church St. I had told L I wanted to go to Canyon Creek but I decided against it only because I really want to take my girlfriend there when we visit Niagara Falls or something – and she was fully understanding of that!
The weather was amazing so we took a patio seat. The area was away from the more “hustle-and-bustle” area of the city so it was quieter (although you could hear the sirens, large trucks and stuff coming through) and we could easily carry out a private conversation (private, as in not that we had anything to hide, but more that it didn’t feel like people could hear everything within earshot) without screaming over the noise. This has been by far, the most engaging time we’ve had good quality conversations since our breakup. To be honest, there were a lot of obstacles for us as I really didn’t have the heart at that time to listen to her talk about her relationship life with “her new boyfriend.” I hated the guy and moreover, I was jealous that he had what I didn’t had to keep her. Let it be known, that L is one hell of an amazing girl, even though we’re not together anymore. We used to tip-toe around each other, topics that I couldn’t touch on, and topics she wouldn’t touch on, because we did not want to anger each other. This time, we actively shared discussions on our relationships comfortably. She helped me understand things too from a female perspective, especially because I’m encountered with so much resistance from my girlfriend at the moment. Having L being there to reassure me and our relationship as a whole, really adds value, especially because she is an ex-girlfriend – making those words just that much more special.
One of the funny things she commented on the fact she noticed I seem to keep close contacts with my ex’s and she wondered whether my girlfriend had problems with that. I’m a logical person, so I approached this question with logic. I said essentially, we date people because they’re good people, so even though they might not work out as a couple, beneath it all, they’re still good individuals – therefore, there’s nothing awkward about wanting to carry-forth a friendship with them. Maybe it makes sense to me but not to other people, but really, think about it! Suffice to say, this doesn’t work for situations where it involves a case of bad breakup like infidelity or something like that. I said that if my girlfriend did have a problem with it, I’d certainly want her to tell me in which I’d for sure keep more distant between my ex’s and I. Nevertheless, there is usually no threat about ex’s – after all, they’re a “past” and “before” so there really isn’t much of a concern. Had we been a good couple, we would’ve stayed together!
No doubt if my girlfriend did have a problem with this, I would respect her opinion. In fact, L and I can comfortable “talk about our past” in good-nature now and oddly enough, she seems more open, receptive and comfortable with me now since she knows I’m committed to another girl. It’s funny isn’t it, how girls are less defensive when they know the guy who previously liked them is already with someone? LOL. I told her the night before as a joke that I’d meet her with “candy and flowers” and she said that since I’m with someone now, she would’ve just seen that as a sign of friendship and good graces – not that I did bring that anyways, but it was a good laugh for the both of us just to see each others reaction 😛
We talked for 4 hours, gosh that was long, but felt only like moments. I had a total of 6 cups of coffee, it was nuts, lol. We were totally going to be wired for the rest of the night and luckily for her, she had projects to complete anyways so being alert for the rest of the night would’ve worked out great for her. I don’t believe she tried to pay… she does this every time, lol. Worse off, she insisted to pay for her portion in which I rolled my eyes and held firmly to the bill, haha. I wouldn’t even let her see it until I paid for it. What kind of self-respecting guy would expect/let a lady pay? MY GOD – haha! It’s nice that waiters/waitresses know to give the guy the bill, so he did get extra tip (and for friendly service of course). She walked me back to Union station, which was quite awkward only because I’m usually the one accompanying girls home – LOL – it was weird for me to be the one “being walked back” haha. I really didn’t want the evening to end, but of course it had to. We could truly be ourselves and be genuine with each other – which we haven’t been for a long time.
Being foreign to taking the train, I was obsessed with finding out which platform I’m supposed to and make sure I don’t miss it (since the trains were 1 hour apart, ouch!) or take the wrong one. Well, as you can see now, I’m home, alive LOL, so I must’ve taken the right one, haha. But as the platform number showed up on the digital board, she escorted me all the way before the “paid area” (where only those who have paid for fare may enter) before we departed.
Last time, she freely hugged, but this time, she froze for a moment. It was a really cute moment (it’d make you go “awwww” for sure, haha), but she quietly asked, “Do you think it would be ok to hug you? I’m not sure if your girlfriend would mind.” — it was very thoughtful of her to consider something like that. Not knowing how long it would be before I’d see her again, I opened my arms to give her a hug. It was nice, although I could tell she definitely left reservation in it, probably as not to ‘cross the line’ in worry that if my girlfriend found out, she’d be angry. I don’t hide things like this from bebe anyways and it’s not unusual for a male and female friend to embrace each other in an expression of friendship. There’s a distinct difference between a “I’m glad we’re friends“-hug and a “I want you forever“-hug, lol. I will really miss the special bond that L and I once had, but we have created a new bond, one where although we will not live our life together, we will definitely cherish what we’ve been through and future opportunities to chat over a hot coffee and a slice of cake. We can share with each other, sometimes burdens of our mind and exchange ideas on things in life.
As I got on the train, I recollect my composure and thoughts to think – what blessings I have been graced with to have at one point, dated such a wonderful girl. No doubt, we both believe we will make amazing girlfriends/boyfriends, wife/husband – maybe not for each other, but for the two special someone in our life. We have both found who we believe to be someone who is worth our love, commitment, efforts and faithfulness. I believe we both, wish the best for each other, whether in health, finances or relationship. We smiled, when I said, that I hope our kids will one day together, play with each other – while the parents smile upon them knowing that we have both walked the same path at one point, went our separate ways, but reunite through the powers of friendship and compassion.
Ah, today’s just one-of-those days. It’s just 8ish right now and I’m already laid down in my bed and rolling around. The weather has been great today and right now, it’s a beautiful scenery out my window. I stepped outside, just to capture a few great shots. Other than being head-over-heels for my girlfriend, the next thing I’m in love with is my new camera. Yes, I’m hardly adept at taking great photos, but sometimes I see photography like art. As long as I’m happy with the shots taken and they’re expressive of my own feelings, then it doesn’t really matter if it’s praised to appreciated by others. I guess I’m rolling around because I’m feeling kinda down today. I haven’t checked the calendar, has it been a month since I’ve been emo? LOL.
Every once in a while, I’m just hit with this pang of sadness. It never was like this for the few months that bebe and I had regular contact. I feel so lost in this world without her, like I’m wandering aimlessly until she’s ready to pick me up again. It’s like this thick fog that sometimes clears up but at times thickens so much that you just want to scream but no one will hear you or see you. You wish that others could help you, but when you’re lost in fog, there is little that anyone else can do for you. You can wander and wander, only hoping that you will make it to the end alive.
I know this is quite unhealthy, no one should be subjected to pains from relationships like this, but that’s a moot point. Anyone who’s ever been in a relationship before, will know how I feel. There is a saying that a person who falls and gets up is not a fool, but one who falls and stays down is a fool for life. I believe in that, I believe that only someone who has no goal, no direction and no willpower in life can never achieve success. I am heartfelt that I can achieve this goal, not only to fall in love, but to cause someone to fall in love with me. I admit that there are times when I have thought of things, things that maybe dark and sinister to think and do – things that I dare not admit to anyone. I know the games she tries to play, but yet, I refuse to let these games push me over the edge. I vent them here, because it is an output for it, because I’m not going to let her get to me that easily, even if she does all these destructive things to my mind, heart and soul. She wants me to crack, she wants to prove to herself that I am ‘not worthy’ – but I will climb this hill, and prove to her I am worth it – because we both know better.
Albeit my nasty thoughts when I’m feeling angry, I think clearly, there is a Chinese saying that, “You may be able to stay a person’s heart, but cannot stay their body” and it is true – and I would not consider doing anything dramatic or over-the-top because I want not only want her to stay with me, but have her heart stay with me as well. What if I do something, that forces her to be here, but when her heart is elsewhere or is against her will? Logically, the only right way to win love, is to win the person as a whole. Sometimes I am a foolish little boy, I will think of things to do, perhaps very nasty things, that may in the end, have results – but not the correct results. That, I certainly want to avoid. There is a side of me that thinks with logical, a side of me that thinks with emotions and another side of me that thinks with anger/vengeance. I hope to god, I never need to tap into the latter, because it is fearful side of me that even scares myself. The only person that has ever seen the latter side of me, is my ex-ex girlfriend, which I admit, was a very unfortunate case and I never want to repeat and draw that side out of me. The more I let her actions get to me, the sadder I feel. I must be positive, towards myself and towards her… because if I’m upset and angry with what she’s doing – OR – speculating negatively about things, it only hurts me. It was about a week ago, that I became to do positive speculations for things she does, because whether they are true or not, they sure as hell make me feel a lot better. In turn, this positivity transcends itself through my actions and feelings towards her. I hum to myself, “I can do it”, “We can do it”, “We will succeed” and “Patience, experience, wisdom and compassion” – if it was not for faith, hope and loyalty – I know I would’ve fallen. Yet today, I stand firm on the ground with my feet and say, “I know I can!”
But onto happier note rather than being all melancholic, is that next Tuesday, my ex-ex and I will be meeting up together. We did get into a little tuffle with each other, because we wanted to meet up for dinner and I didn’t “appear” to be too excited (and in all reality, I was, lol… and still am). We were at each others throat for almost 1/2 hour before we finally realized that things were a misunderstanding on our parts (lol – doesn’t life suck when that happens?).
It has been quite a few years since we’ve seen each other, and it’ll be great to catch up on things and more important – see how much we have changed since our last meet and since we have been together (which goes even farther back, haha – we’re old :lol:). We were together too young and logically, we have went through many changes in our life – which has redefined the people we once were (and are today), resulting in our breakup. As people grow up, focuses shift and things that were important/unimportant to us changes as well. With that said, we are the person we are today as a result of each other – for better, or worse 😀 She is a great girl and I suppose it’s a bit weird for many who generally don’t have much positive things to say about ex’s – but with all but one, I have nothing but great things to say about them.
For years, I used to spend a lot of time “comparing” girls… and truly, it was unfair. My ex-ex girlfriend was the one that really “set the bar” for all other girls. If they “weren’t as good as her, they weren’t worth chasing” – and honestly, there’s not all too many girls in this world who are as awesome as her XD – but she thinks otherwise, lol. Nevertheless, this was really poorly judgement (not of her!!!) on my part, by comparing one girl to another. One cannot have expectations of one girlfriend to another, expecting them to do the same things, act the same way, have the same expectations, or fall for the same romance. Every person is an individual and blindly, it took me a while to see that. I took my ex-ex as a “baseline requirement” for all future girlfriends, except for my current. The reality is our emotions and chemistry is what connects one person to another and sometimes, these expectations, wants and needs are all irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. We think we may not fall for someone, only to find ourselves neck-deep-in-the-water. The ways that humans interact and connect on a non-verbal and psychological level boggles the mind and I’m not even going to get into that – lol – I could probably write a 10 page essay on it. I still hang out with most of my ex’s and it’s cool that way. I certainly can’t see my girlfriend being the jealous type (and plus, she’s playing cold shoulders anyways, so I couldn’t talk to her if I wanted to), so I never have to “clear” with her the fact I’m hanging out with them. I draw very clear lines about how I treat my ex’s … and I’ll definitely be nice and gentlemanly to them, but would definitely not go beyond what I’d do/how I’d treat my bebe (after all, she’s my most important girl :D)!
Oh god, I digress (all the time) – we’re going to meet up in Toronto and go have dinner. We haven’t picked a place, but I have to take the train. You cannot imagine, because I’m sure most people who read my blog already have this preconception of me that I’m the “big tough guy” (minus the whole interest in menstruation thing, hahaha) – but I’m soooo chicken when it comes to taking public transportation – especially when it’s outside of my town/city. For some odd reason, I don’t have this same fear/discomfort when I have to take the MTR/KCR (subway/train) in Hong Kong. So I swallowed my pride and saliva a bit and told her I’d take the train out and also, told her how much of a pussy I am (LOL) and if she could pick me up from the main station, haha. To be honest, I hate driving into Toronto because of their traffic and lack-of-parking space. I also know myself well enough that I don’t want to contend with the shitty/overly aggressive drivers there either. I have a temper when it comes to dealing with stupid-people on the road, and I’m sure I’d pull someone out of their car and beat them or shoot them through the windshield – so let’s not do that!
I’m so excited and we haven’t seen each other in ages. Our last meet up a few years ago was… err, let’s just say – a bit weird, because I was still in that phase of “trying to get her back” and I ashamedly say I caused some awkward situations (although she was very understanding about it – and was still ladylike!!), so this one will be more smooth now that I’m already committed to a very special girl, she won’t have to worry about me getting all flirty with her 😀 We’ve grown up so much, that we’re very different and our life has changed tremendously. I hope connecting in person will also help us understand one another more, given that we still get into disagreements sometimes because we just don’t see each others angles. Can you tell I’m really excited? 🙂
Anyways… going to leave it at this, I suppose I’ll go talk to some friends on Skype – they tend to cheer me up or get my mind away from bebe once in a while. I have this really long and boring meeting that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow – so I want to be mentally ready and stable, haha, rather than being grumpy with how I’m being treated right now (for the second time) … even Poh Ching was like, “Wait, she’s doing that to you AGAIN? WTF!” (or “WTFish” – since she doesn’t like to swear), hehe.. what a cutie.
Night night.. and OH – the pictures…