I was just pondering my own thoughts today. I find myself often reflecting on my own personality and actions. To me, it’s a very important thing to do because I believe it helps build character in a person. Without understand yourself, how can you possibly expect to understand others? Today I went through my normal day, work and home. However, during those hours, I also did many things which helped make-up my day and I thought to myself how interesting it’d be for me to step back analyze myself.
I’ve concluded to myself that as much as I’m shy with girls – that’s only true with 2 types of girls. 1) The ones I don’t know at all and 2) the one I like. Please take due note that I said “one” not “ones” 😆 So where does it leave all the other ones? Well, the ones that I’m not shy with are girls who I do know, but have no interest in. I spend a lot of time talking to girls and one would think it’s only about periods – but that’s not true. Other than my ‘girls’ and god-sisters, I can be quite aggressive towards them. Now I guess everyone defines aggression a bit differently, but let’s just say that unlike treating a girl I like, I’m completely un-shy with them. Easiest way to think of this is the stuff I say to girls who I know is definitely not something I’d say to bebe… or at least not ’til she opens up to me and take the overly-flirtatious side of me, hah.
I can be quite flirty with girls, even when they’re completely without intentions. I guess it’s a bit easier, particularly with the girls at work only because they’re usually married and have many years on top of me, so relationship isn’t even a consideration or thought. Even the youngest girl in my building is 13 years older than me (but still young at heart, rawr) and is totally fun to hang out with and still capable of taking a joke or a platonic pass at. We kid back and forth and it’s fun, keeps us youthful, yet we know where to keep the line clear. There’s of course no infidelity involved whatsoever. Nevertheless, I suppose it helps keep things at work lighthearted because our jobs can be pretty boring and slow sometimes. Also, I think there’s something just fun about harmless flirting as long as both sides don’t go overboard or anything – and it’s not like I’m falling in love with her instead of bebe. Suffice to say, everyone has different views… some think harmless flirting is ok, and others do not. My stance is just to “keep it clean” (nothing that would damage a relationship) and everyone’s happy.
Oh right… back to my point – I’m much more confident at flirting and teasing girls who I’m not romantically interested in. I’m pretty shy with bebe in terms of how far I carry the flirting. I mean as traditional and shy as bebe is, don’t kid yourself, she can be quite the flirty one and has made me smile, grin and giggle like a little school boy in love for the first time before. She’s made my heart swoon and faint before at things she’s said and done. Nevertheless, perhaps it is also because I’m interested in her – I’m also cautious. Things that I’d dare say and discuss with other girls, I may not with her. It’s not a matter of hiding secrets, because there’s nothing I wouldn’t tell her, but it’s a matter of feeling more liberated when it’s other girls you AREN’T interested in.
Case in point, when one of the girls asked me to do something for her today as a favour (outside of my job duties), I said I would, but that it’d, “cost her”… and of course knowing the typical guy thinking, she was like, “Ok, do you want me to take off my shirt or pants? You only get to choose one” and I replied, “Hrm.. tough choice, I think I’d want both… how about I just…” and I proceeded to pretend (YES, just pretend) to motion unzipping my pants and said, “How about you close that door and make sure no one hears you” and we both laughed. Hell, we never think about taking things further – she has her husband and I have bebe, but it’s fun just to bring some laughter and light to our mundane jobs. Something like that, I would never, ever dare say to bebe, EVEN if she instigated it (probably to test my resistance, haha).
I talk to a couple of my Malaysian girl readers a lot… you’d figure out who they are if you followed my blog long enough to notice 2 who posted a lot before and less now – since we’re spending most of our chatting time over IM instead of here. Again, those two, we can discuss such wide variety of things, period included, but still, our topics wander afar and we share sometimes the most intimate things with each other. I guess there’s solace to sharing things with people who can’t “impact your life directly” – but I think I share it with them because I feel much more confident and comfortable flirting with girls who I don’t have feelings for or worry about their perception of me.
I do really care about how bebe thinks about me, as much as I say that “people should accept each other for who they are” – I certainly don’t deny changing for her or trying to “fit what she wants.” Obviously there are fundamental things I wouldn’t change about me, but I would say I’m not as flirty with bebe, not because I don’t want to be, but because I have to “watch my step” much more than with girls I don’t care (romantically) about. I can literally “flirt up a storm” because I can be (now don’t call me egoistic), quite charming, gentlemanly (when I need to be) and… even CONFIDENT – for every girl, except for the girl I love. For some reason, around a girl I like, sometimes I lack that confidence. I think by nature, women like confident men and that’s nothing unusual. However, I often have to stir up that confidence with bebe because I worry about how she perceives me and I’m careful of what I do/say. With other girls who I don’t have feelings for, I can tease them and get them riled up like no tomorrow. I’m confident, exuberant and cocky – because the worst that can happen is they stop talking to me 😛 But obviously with a girl I love and care about, I want to have a sure footing before trying to wander down a romantic path!
I think it’s easier for me to be “bad” (bad-naughty) to other girls than to bebe. Maybe it’s also bebe is a bit more resistant to advances and ‘dirty’ things, that I tread carefully when I’m pulling jokes that other girls would hold their stomachs laughing at. I will admit, maybe because I’m comparing my normal flirty self with bebe, it’s a bit different. Don’t read this as me blaming her for anything, she just requires a different approach than other girls I’ve been with. With all my other girls, they tend to enjoy dating a guy who is confident enough to be cocky, yet not overbearing, and one that can make their heart melt with the right words. I guess having enough girl-friends and god-sis’ I can usually come up with the right words to say just to make them turn a frown upside down. As easy as girls are to get angry, it’s also the same for making them smile and what guy would not want to see a girl happy anyways? The things that I’m so accustomed to doing to soften girls up don’t work on bebe (or as well) and I have to reconsider what things I can do and say. Some of the conversations I have with my girls I cannot even fathom discussing with bebe.
Bebe’s the only girl other than my own mother who I let touch my phone in unlocked mode and not watching every selection they touch – seriously. Whenever I let someone use my phone in any way, I’m hovering over them (and I have a right to, it’s MY phone) making sure they’re not going through my stuff or breaking it. To say that I have something to hide is not true, because she’s the only other person in this world I trust giving my phone to and not need to watch what she’s doing on it. I rarely wipe out my text messages, so if she really wanted to, she could’ve checked all 2 years of my communication on it with other girls and I would have nothing to hide. The things is, I suppose certain topics of conversation is much easier to discuss with someone else, because the repercussions is minimalized.
I suppose that’s my own analysis of myself… I’m less shy, more flirtatious and much higher self confidence and willing to take risks with girls I have no feelings for, than one who I love and care about. Of course as our relationship (hopefully, pray to God) progresses that I’ll be able to share the real sides of me with her as well and be able to openly talk to each other and know what is real, fake and all-in-good-nature without having to explicitly say so. It is in truth that bebe once pointed out that we often don’t “get” what we say to each other, perhaps because the way we were brought up and perceive things – what she says in a certain manner/tone may be different than how I perceive. We’ve gotten into arguments before over simple misunderstandings and as shaming as that may be, it’s how relationships grow and one person learns about another. I hope I can one day be confident enough to dare be openly flirty with her. Most of my flirts with her in the past has always been normal conversations with a flirting-undertone which I’m not sure if she senses or not, haha. I can be quite covert when I need to be 😛 Likewise, bebe’s pretty good with making me faint without even trying hard, HAH.
You know what they say about “innocent girls” anyways 😀
I believe flirting can be healthy as long as it doesn’t go too far. I do recall bebe telling me that she flirts/is flirted with by guys and it’s not that I don’t feel the jealousy, lol, but it’d be very contradicting of me to say she can’t do that when I enjoy it. As long as at the end of day, we know where our heart stands and who we’re coming home to – that’s all that matters. I mean in time, I do hope that I get my daily fix of flirting from her and I don’t even bother with other girls, because I’d much rather us make each other happy than another guy or girl! Sometimes just brush across the arm can be as effective as a long passionate kiss.
The day that I can feel confident in front of bebe… I’ll know we’re getting somewhere and that our relationship is only going to get better – forever.
Love is wonderful, ain’t it?
Oh… on another happy note – waiting for one of my girls’ period to start, YAY for good fortune!