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A Gloomy But Fine Day

Yesterday, Sunday… was a very gloomy day in my city and across a good portion of the province. My cousin had arranged to come in to visit me because she wanted to get out of the big city (funny enough, we’re not a small city either.. just smaller). We wanted to go to the beach, check out the observation tower, maybe play mini-golf and she wanted me to take her shooting (which I should mention, she was awkwardly excited about…). The weather was bad and we knew it ahead of time, but thought that we’d go anyways since we could do indoor shooting instead of outdoors. The night before, she called me telling me she really wanted to reschedule since she wanted to have good enough weather to really enjoy the outdoors. Of course, it wasn’t unexpected, lol, all my cousins never seem to be able to do proper planning and time-management – hahaha.. something about my mom’s side of the family that lacks the ability to be punctual and keep plans. But anyways, although I pretty much “knew” this was going to happen, it was still slightly disappointing. A little bit of history is that pretty much every time I see her, sometimes wrong with her computer and we never see each other on a more “regular” basis. Likewise, I used to complain that every time our family went to Hong Kong was when someone died and that’s just  a crappy reason to go to places… so I’ve endeavoured now to go on my vacations regularly and under more positive circumstances.

With that said, I’m kind of glad she didn’t come in because I got time to spend with my bebe instead! I was a very happy man yesterday and even today, I feel high – but not drug-induced high, but an emotionally-induced high. I should mention that to the person who cut me off while I was driving home: you sir, are one lucky bastard. If I wasn’t in such a happy high after seeing my bebe, I probably would’ve tried to run you off the road and kill you. Yes, you DO NOT want to fuck with me when I’m in a car, I will take you out. Consider that my bebe’s blessing to you that I didn’t try to “eliminate” you for your extremely close cut to the side of my vehicle. But anyways, on a happier note, I feel lucky as well that things kinda fell in place the way they did. If I ended up spending a day with my cousin, I wouldn’t have had time to spend with bebe, so I’m happy-happy 😀

But girls, I’ll tell you – they’re high maintenance, lol. The original plan was for me to pick her up from her house and drive her out to her friends in another city. Just for the sake of reference, we’ll call this city, “M” and where we live, “H”. From my house to her house is about 25 minutes on a smooth day. Distance-wise, it is not far… time-wise, it is 100% city traffic. Luckily, it was about 7PM at the time, so traffic was pretty light and it was a matter of waiting for lights and stuff. When I picked her up… oh if I could only tell you how fast my heart was beating before she opened the door – lol, it was like a first-date all over again, haha. I had all these things I thought about saying like, “You look beautiful today.” or, “Thanks for seeing me again”.. etc, but all I ended up choking out was, “Hi, are you ready?” – LOL. It wasn’t like I was trying to be rude, that’s all that could come to my mouth at that point, haha… because I was so stunned by her beauty. I figured, why make a note that she’s beautiful today? She’s beautiful everyday anyways. Just for the sake of the story, I’m not sure if this was really a “date” … we went for dinner and there was no obligatory-dating events or anything. You can call it whatever you like!

Of course, you know as I said, girls are high-maintenance. I thought we were heading directly out and then she asked if we could drop by her school so that she could clean out her locker. I was thinking to myself, “Hey, she never mentioned that before..” – haha, and I was like, ok! So I dropped her off (ok, so it was a 1 minute drive) and while I waited in the car, I got my GPS configured. I drive out to “M” often enough to know the roads there better than in my own city, but with the new Ontario laws prohibiting the use of handheld devices while driving, I needed to set my GPS up for bluetooth phone purposes in case anyone called. Our ride was pretty joyful, we had lots of talk about and although in the midst of a few moments of silence throughout the ride, it was pretty awesome. I’m really talkative though, so for me, it is a less of problem than her, haha. But after she cleaned out the locker, she wanted me to take her back home to drop her books off – lol, it was pretty funny because even though she asked if, “it was ok” to take her back, but she wasn’t really asking, I could tell on her face she was pretty much telling me to do it, haha. Gosh, she’s not officially my girlfriend yet and I’m already being told what to do 😛 But I jest – she’s much too cute for me to say no to, lol, and I was willing to do it for her. I’m sure if it was anyone else, I’d be like… no, stop wasting my gas – that’s poor planning on your part, and not my problem 😆

We ate our dinner at a Chinese Cafe sort and had a variety of snacks, small dishes and full course. We both had a sirloin steak and it was yummy! I finished mine and was pretty much at the “maximum capacity” of my food intake, but she couldn’t finish hers. Actually, she ate quite a bit, lol, so I was pretty impressed. She called her friends to make sure whether they were home yet, but they were eating so I couldn’t drop her off anyways. It was ok, because I planned on going to a nearby supermarket to kill some time and because I wanted to get some instant-foods for her to cook when she gets home. We didn’t get any since she had stocked up last week and because it’d be a good week before she’d go back home anyways. It was ok, I wasn’t disappointed, because we spent a good amount of time in there. For a moment, I really felt like we were a great couple, enjoying shopping together, playing around and discussing deals/good foods – damn, it was heaven and all we did was walk around the supermarket, lol. I take happiness and pride in small things and truly, it was an amazing hour of fun and enjoyment. I should mention, that I was extremely happy to find out this particular chain of the supermarket has now began selling a variety of SaraSara Center-In, Laurier, Sofy and Elis sanitary napkins!!! It sucked, because before, I’d have to go all the way out an even farther one to get access to it, but now it’s available at this one! I really tried avoiding that aisle because I was with her, so I wanted to ask her to carry some of the stuff I was holding so I could wander off and kind of look at it privately. Mind you, I didn’t mind her coming with me, I didn’t want her to feel awkward. Unfortunately, she led me down that aisle, lol, and I ended up looking because there used to be a very small section and now all of a sudden, they have this huge stock of both domestic and import products – YAY!! We did linger for a bit, but I think she was kind of embarrassed and walked to the end of the aisle… it’s ok, after all, she hasn’t been around me long enough to accept that part of me. Now I have to get some next time I go there with one of my girls… but as I was driving home, I thought ot myself, “Shit, why didn’t I buy it while she was with me and it was late at night?” ACK, slow thinker!

As we were lining up to pay for her stuff, could you imagine… her friends were there. YES – that was a totally awkward situation. Now let’s get the facts straight, I’ve always wanted to meet her friends because I want to become a part of her life, and feel accepted. However, she has always expressed she doesn’t feel ready and stuff for me to be a part of her life yet, so I’ve never pushed that. Throughout the night when we were eating, I kept my eyes out for my aunt or uncle or someone I knew, because if they saw me with her, it’d be a weird moment given that I’m sure there’d be lots of questions. The place we went to eat is pretty much our “regular place” – so it is not rare to bump into people I know and luckily, that did not happen. I’m not embarrassed to be with her, but I know she doesn’t want too much exposure, so I didn’t want to put her in an awkward position or anything. Sure enough, luck would have it we bump into her friends while shopping – huuurrr, lol. I was standing  behind her and she turned her back to me to greet her friends. Even though I didn’t want to make a scene, I thought it’d be pretty normal to greet her friends to be courteous, but they were rapidly talking and all their eyes were completely avoiding me, so I didn’t want to interrupt their conversation (especially since I couldn’t understand it well enough). I thought they were ignoring me, so I just stood behind her and save her the trouble of having to explain who I was, and blah blah. Both of the girls seemed very nice and from first impression, it’s great that bebe associates with them – they will be a good influence on her! Her friends gave her the keys to their place and then we proceeded to check-out her stuff. If anything, I’d love to be able to refer to her as my girlfriend – it’s something I’m yearning the day for… however, not right now. Maybe some people who read this will think it’s weird – but I don’t think then perhaps you understand Chinese culture. If someone were to see me with her, I’d have a hard time introducing her as just a girl—-friend, rather than girlfriend. Even if I did, there’d be a whole slew of questions as to why I don’t date her and yaddy-yadda, so just to save the headaches, best if we don’t bump into anyone we know. Nevertheless, it turns out her friends did want to say hi and so did I… but clearly all of us thought we were avoiding one another when both of us were simply too shy to say anything – lol. At least at the end of the night, both ends found out we were eager to say “hi” to each other and there were no ignoring going on, haha.

I dropped her off at her friends place – it was only a 5 minute drive. She asked me to drop her off at the side, but it makes me very uncomfortable to drop a girl off (especially one I care about) in the middle of nowhere, and I took her to the front entrance instead. I helped her unload her stuff and made sure she enjoyed her night. I think back and I know I made a hasty escape… after I dropped her off, I really didn’t linger much. One reason was because I dropped her off in an area where you’re not allowed to stop/park, so I was a bit weary… but personally, I know if I stayed too long, I’d begin to miss her already and I’d want a goodbye hug, kiss or I’d really want to hold her hands and squeeze her tight. I doubt she’s ready for that contact yet, so I didn’t want to leave myself open to doing something that’d make her feel uncomfortable. Truth be told, I do want to hug her, I do want to hold her hands, I do want to show my affection to her, but logic tells me it’s best not to push her beyond what she can handle. I left pretty quickly, even before she got through the door. That’s about probably the most ungentlemanly thing all night I’ve done and while I’ m ashamed, I did it with good intent not risking my own heart taking me farther than what her heart feels.

When I got home, I was high… god, it was a restless night and I only got a few hours of sleep. I was too hyped up, thinking about the future we can have together… too happy, over the time, albeit short, we spent together. There were moments we connected and did things like a couple. There were times, I wanted to just put my arms around her – not to intrude, but to let her I know care and show her that physical affection. There were times, I could not take my eyes off her, because she was so beautiful. There were times, I wanted to hold her hands and squeeze lightly to tell her I’m here for her. There were times I wanted to give her the world and let her know I’ll take of her no matter what. I know for her, I’ve changed a lot and my mind and heart is filled with happiness. No doubt, people will say it’s foolish to base happiness of someone else and not make my own happiness – but that is what happens when people fall for one another, rationalization is not part of the equation, but think with emotions.

I recapped my evaluation of myself and the night:

  • I drove slow wherever we went… not slow, but slower so I could savour every moment with her
  • I stepped out in the rain to wait and open the car door for her because I didn’t want her to slip or rush and end up hitting her head on the top of the door-arch, you’d be surprized how often that happens when people rush to get in the car
  • I asked her a lot of the time if things were ok and stuff – normally, I don’t really care, lol
  • I ordered her food for her – normally, you can order your own damn food
  • I made sure she had enough clothes to wear because it was colder than usual and raining – I figure most people can figure that out themselves but felt compelled to keep her healthy
  • I carried things for her when I normally don’t – you want to buy something, carry it yourself
  • I took time to watch things she likes, so that I can get it for her when she runs out
  • I hate when people don’t tell me things ahead of time and then ask me to do it… she did, and I still happily did it for her – ya, I’m fucked, lol
  • I told my ex I wouldn’t feel seeing her less than 5 hours if I had to drive all the way out to “M” was worth it because it is 55KM’s one way… I spent a total of 121KM’s and an hour and 44 minutes driving bebe around and even though we only spent 3 hours together, IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT – ya, I kinda feel guilty about my ex now that I think about it
  • I spend a lot of money on bebe and it doesn’t bother me… wtf
  • Normally I like looking at girls who “show a lot”… bebe wears the most concealing clothes ever, t-shirt, a light jacket and jeans… nothing revealing to look at, but she’s absolutely gorgeous in what she wears
  • HEEERR SMILLLEEE KILLSSS ME INSIDE OUT
  • She’s the perfect height to me, lol – not too short and not too tall… match made in heaven – uh huh!

Overall, the night was amazing and I can’t think of any other way I could’ve spent it better! Mind you, I wouldn’t have minded spending more time together, but really, the few hours we had was VERY well spent. Perhaps in a way, seeing each other for moderate amount of time is better than spending a full day together, because then perhaps we may run out of things to talk about and silence ensues. I think it’ll take time for us to develop a basis of conversations where we might not have to “think” too hard to continue a conversation, but I’m quite happy with how much we had to talk about and things were relaxed. I don’t want to ask how she felt and whether she’s more at-ease and comfortable with me because it feels very tacky to ask… also, I may or may not want to know the answer if it’s bad – LOL, best to leave it at that. I know I spend a lot of time discussing things we do, but obviously there are things that happen between us that I don’t post up here. After all, I still have an expectation to a degree of privacy and of course I’m not the “Kiss and Tell” type where I report every little intimate moment we have or anything. These are some pretty general relationship things, so I suppose it’s not digging too deep in our private lives. I’m happy we’re making some progress down the road of friendship and hope that perhaps one day, we will be something more.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend just as I have! Cheers.

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