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Worrying Over The Uncontrollable

Today, I read an entry by one of my regular visitors, Cherrie on the topic of death.

In my mind, I always wonder why most people worry about things which they cannot control. Suffice to say, I’m not chastising her, I’m just thinking why humans have to have such an active mind, sometimes where emotions and logic disagree with each other. Let’s just say that you as are standing out on the street and see a missile dropping down on your spot. What can you do? Absolutely nothing. You can scream, you can tell other people, but within seconds, all that is useless. I am like that too, I worry about things I shouldn’t be. I worry about things out of my control.

Although I have changed a lot, I am still far from being one of those people who can “Using the sky as a blanket should it fall down.” This is a Chinese expression, used to describe people who have a really good ability to view every scenario in the best-possible way. I wish I could be like that, my grandfather and my father was like that. Whatever happened, they just shrugged and smile. You cannot believe how happy people like that live. Over the years, I certainly have done some self-improvement, learning that if things are uncontrollable, I should not worry about them. Whether I worry or not, it will not change the situation and at most, I am only damaging my own health and stability. I agree with Cherrie and it isn’t that I’m not afraid of dying, I am – but there’s nothing to change the course of life and death. Nevertheless, I have gone through panic phases before and I worry about death. 😥

It is slightly annoying I find that on one level, I am logical. I tell myself, “If I can do nothing to change the matter, I should not care.” – yet, I still do. I’m sure you’re all wondering why this suddenly came to light. Ever since I met my bebe, I worry about small things, things that may or may not be out of my control. Maybe I am extra sensitive when it comes to hurt, I’m attentive and want to be accessible to her at all times. I fret about small little things. When I don’t see her online for a few days, I worry. I cradle my phone and hope to see a text message or I want to send one out, but don’t want to annoy her. I look at my MSN frequently to see if she logs on. I check the news, to see if something has happened near her neighbourhood. I check my voicemails and answering machines to see if she has left me something. I peer at Facebook and see if there’s any sort of activity that I know she’s ok. In my mind, there’s 101 things that could happen to her. Whenever I don’t see her presence, I begin to worry. Indeed, I do not dispute that she “has a life” other than being online or talking to me, but all these worries float up when she’s away unexpectedly or is busy. 😐

My friend Amy, often brings up the point of whether it is better for guys to have a girlfriend or not (or in my case, someone I care about). Little things that we fret over, whether she is safe, healthy and sound. For several months, my bebe ignored me because she could not come to terms that someone could care about her so deeply and did not know what to say for me. When we began talking again, I found out she hurt herself and as she told me, I swear my heart skipped a beat. I started worrying, oh no, is she ok, what is wrong, is it a big problem, can I help, should I have been there for her? Is it my fault for not being available to her? How did she get to the hospital? Are there long-term effects? What have I done wrong? and there’s a lot of self-blaming and over-reaction to things like that. Most people would say, “Then why don’t you just contact her?” and truth be, I know she doesn’t want a guy clinging to her 24/7 and that she has obligations like school, clubs, friends, personal time and errands. Yet, how does a regular person, express care and affection, without going overboard and contacting someone like that? I want to send her text messages to see what she’s doing, yet I do not want to appear I’m prying. I want to know that she’s safe, but how do I do it without looking like I’m tracking her every move? How do I tell her I care, without sounding like I’m treating her like a baby? How do I communicate with her, without worrying that I’m disturbing her from studying, sleeping or an activity? How do I ask her what she’s up to, without making her feel like she has to report to me? … God, so many things that I want to do, feel hesitant, yet feel like I ought to do… how does a person keep their distance, yet stay close enough for her to feel it? ACK! -__-”

Yes, worrying about those you love and care about is nothing unusual, but certainly, it seems trivial to worry about something I had no control over. Logically, what happened has happened… she already hurt herself and I can’t change that – yet, I still worry. When it comes down to this, I think I remember my parents once telling me that as a parent, who has a son/daughter, you worry about them 24/7. When you are 70 and they are 50, you still worry about them. It is an everlasting commitment and bond. Every moment that my bebe isn’t in front of me, I think about her well-being, hoping that she is happy, safe, in good-company, healthy, etc. Even when I’m in front of her, I ask myself whether she is happy, enjoying herself and feels relaxed. Why is it that us humans (or maybe me…) are so stupid like this? So obsessed and overrun by emotions rather than logic? Or is it me, who do not think like a regular man and rather, think with my emotions like a woman? Men are supposed to tough, supposed to be uncaring, supposed to be unaffected by emotions – we are supposed to be rock-solid, void of feelings and think strictly through practicality and logic. 😕

Alas, tomorrow I am having my accountant-friend over help me with doing my taxes for my business. My personal taxes as usual have been done for a while since I like to keep on-top-of-it. I feel stressed out over it, although I know that he’ll take good care of me (in a completely non-gay way) and I don’t need to question his help. We’ll probably go out for an early dinner or late lunch once we finish up as thanks. I’m so happy to have friends of all fields and they come in handy, what friends are for… and they know they can rely on me when they have computer issues. I suppose once tomorrow is done, I will hopefully be stress-free until the next tax season! I’m just waiting to find out how much more money I have to fork over the the government… urg.

But anyways… I thought I’d leave this music video for you guys. 🙂 I lurv it… moreover, I lurv GEM, lol. Sorry, it’s in Cantonese, so it might be a bit dry for you if you don’t understand it 😛

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