I Think Too Much…

As if one who has read my blog probably has already concluded. A lot of people take being analytical as being a really good thing. I am extremely analytical and for all intesive purposes, someone could say something as sure, ok, no, yes, maybe and I would in my head, infer different meanings and thoughts that you may be having. There are times when such analysis comes in great uses, especially ones where I’m deciding whether I’m in a position of danger and such, but rarely do those happen and I find my constant “reading” into things an annoyance.

Trust me, when you begin to think of every angle of what a person could be feeling or “truly” saying when they say simple things, then it comes to the point of over-analysis. I think some of the arguments bebe and I get into is a result of my over-analysis. She will say something as simple as it may be I have already thought of 50 other things she might mean or subconsciously considering even when it is not the case.  I cannot pinpoint the exact English word, but the Chinese expression 多心 comes to mind when it goes to describing me – I think more than I really need to, especially for small situations.

I think a lot of my friends think that I sit there and hunch over bebe’s Facebook and read into what she does, who she talks to and what she thinks. The funny thing is I don’t, because I know when I do, my brain starts to wander. I remember a recent occasion where one of her friends and her were talking to each other and I totally got jealous at things they were talking about. I did not know whether she was serious or joking, but it led me to all sorts of crazy thoughts. I told myself that if I’m going to read her things, I should take everything from a NEUTRAL standpoint, I should not infer anything that her or her friends say, I should read, smile and put it down just like everything else and not take it to heart. Understandably, many of us say things without a second thought because it comes naturally or because we understand inside jokes. When other people read it, they might feel aghast. I can definitely say I let a different side show of me on Facebook rather than the person I am. Suffice to say, I’m not hiding who I am, I just tend to be a bit more wackier on Facebook or may say things I otherwise would not. Since all my Facebook “friends” are people I have actually taken the time to know (and hopefully vice-versa), I feel comfortable expressing myself.

Past 3-4 days I noticed another shedding cycle or so I think. Again, here’s the “think” again – because I really don’t know if it’s true. I always seems every once in a while, my hair goes into these shedding phases where I seem to lose more than usual. This morning I combed my hair and I think about 15 hair strands came out and I’m like HOLY FUCK. I know that stress is a factor of hair loss, but am I really that stressed out? I mean yes, I’m very unhappy over bebe’s departure for 6 months, but this is the least of things. I’ve been much more stressed in my life before than this. I find it almost ironic that as much as she wants hair on me, she’s also the one destroying most of my hair, LOL. All the stress and grief that arises seem to make me more prone to being stressed. When we were together happily, talking and my mood was always up, I was always calm and nice and even the worst of situations I’d just smile. Now I find myself what Cherrie would call “angsty” – the smallest things tip me off. I know in the back of my mind I keep thinking if worse comes to worse, I can just get a hair transplant but that doesn’t solve the ROOT of the problem, which is this unhappiness is just generated from the lack of companionship from bebe. Poh Ching and I always have serious talks about this, because she has a good connection of girls of her own culture, background and likely, similar upbringing. Also, she helps me shed light on things because she too, was the shy, first-relationship girl as well. Although there are times when I curse at myself for bothering with a girl who seems so resistant, I snap back and realize that love has no bounds and choices like these are made out of feelings, not simply logic.

Seems like most of my friends (particularly those who follow my blog) have told me it’s so easy to stay in touch these days – I easily can with bebe over Skype. I would hate to do webcam with her because I hate how I look already, especially over cam 😆 I wouldn’t mind being able to talk to her over voice and just to hear her beautiful voice. I should’ve recorded it while I had the chance >_> I’ve already been constantly checking my MSN to see if she’s finally done stabbing me by ignoring me on MSN and ready to talk to me again, but nope, still hasn’t even though she’s finally back in the comfort of her home. I sit there checking the servers to see if she’s lifted it and I think it’s almost becoming paranoia at that. I need to sit back and just wait for her rather than always checking.

I just want a normal life back, where bebe and I can play games together, smile in each others company, walk with each other to run errands, lie on the grass in the park and share heart-to-heart conversations. I just want her to stare in my eyes and see how much I care for her and can give her a life of happiness. I don’t want to become her show-off toy where she can bring me to her friends and be like, “My boyfriend looks better than your boyfriend,” and become her groomed pet. I want our existence to be our fulfillment of life and that we can start a great family-life together. Life is so short, we spend years growing up, years finding one we can love and only short years that we actually spend together. To think of how we’re wasting our lives away when both of us are made for each other brings sorrow to me – because life is so fragile we should take advantage of every moment.

But today, I realized I need to be a believer. I need to look myself in the mirror and with confidence, believe I can. I have renewed sense of hope, after seeing a guy who is on the large side, older, not one who everyone would consider attractive and not one who is rich and famous, in a relationship with an young and extremely beautiful girl. This couple may be the very testament that there is truth to love, that love allows us to see past those physical imperfections – that bebe could perhaps one day soon, see that I am a guy worthy of her love and that both of us strike passion with each other. Humans undoubtly make assumptions of a person upon appearance, but seeing old couples on the street who have MUCH lost their looks, yet in a loving and undeniable loyalty to each other make me smile and remind myself that when they came together, they knew that she wasn’t going to keep the 36-24-36 she had and that he wasn’t going to retain every strand of hair and that 12-pack of abs he once worked-in. I’m a believer today, because I have seen a relationship between a beautiful girl and a very average guy be together in happiness makes me believe that bebe and I can do the same. It is not that I am suggesting that I will let myself go and be some couch potato and not bother staying in shape, but I don’t believe we should be basing our relationship based on what we see from the exterior of each other. What if bebe in Malaysia gains 10 lbs before she comes back from all the good food and sleep-ins? I am still here for her and my heart will seek no other.

Today, I am a believer. Hope, love, faith.

Now… time to work on finding a shampoo for oily scalps so I can try to keep this hair on my head and get rid of these stupid sebum flakes!