Monthly Archives: August 2010

Weekend Shopping and Updates

Hi Everyone,

Thought I’d relax this weekend without a period post, but I did manage to get some shots of “period-related” things for those who come to my blog for the flow-lovers value rather than actually caring about my life 😛 Don’t feel guilty! Everyone visits sites for certain values and topics that they only care about while others are more interested in learning about the author as a whole!

This weekend was an interesting one and let me start on Friday. I received an email from an uncle telling me that a friend of his will be arriving from Hong Kong to help his son get organized for the upcoming school semester as an international student in Canada. Since I had helped arrange these things and for residence at a local host family, his parents really wanted to take me out for dinner as thanks and to meet me, since other than by phone and email, we have never formally met. I really enjoy the love of helping people when it’s within my means and don’t expect gains other than goodwill and appreciation. When we met, they also happened to bring along a friend who had a daughter (I can already see some people grinning as they read this) who happened to live in the same city and will watch over their son while he’s here.

Everyone talked over the course of dinner and my mom invited them over to our house just to have some tea, sit and chat. I enjoyed showing them my computer and gun collection and of course with all but the one girl, the rest were boys who tuned right in to the idea of being able to shoot a firearm. The girl was very shy but eventually joined us. She screamed the first time she fired off a shot, just like my mom – lol, it was kind of funny to watch. Apparently while all the “kids” were downstairs, the adults talked upstairs about random things. Most notably, I think especially Chinese people like to involve relationships in their conversations because I swear we have nothing else to talk about. Her mom grilled my mom on how old I was, what kind of education I had, the type of guy I am, whether I had a girlfriend or not and how my career is going and such. At the end of the night, her mom was very pleased with me (which is kind of scary… and you’ll find out why later on) and determined me to be a “very good guy.” It’s always interesting because I think over the past while, I’ve come to realize that I’m the type of guy that “girls” my age don’t like, but I’m totally the type of guy that mothers like for their daughters 😆

This is not the first scenario of the case above and happened again on Saturday. The acupuncturist that I go to has a daughter and yes, she is quite pretty – considering the fact I think most Chinese-mainlander girls are ick. I’ve had several opportunities to talk to her informally before, about school, life, sports and other general interest things and have found her to be quite intelligent – or at the very least – appears to be able to hold an intellectual conversation. Aside from the awkwardness of her translating “erection” for her mom (the acupuncturist) to English for me, we have a pretty good time talking when she’s there on the weekend helping out with receptionist work. I figured that especially with “doctors” they would generally not want their own son/daughter interested in a paitient since they know all the “dirty details” about you, like what things are wrong with your body, that you’re overweight or whatever – because in general, you don’t see doctors for good things. Suffice to say, my mom was saying how the doctor was asking about my age, whether I was single, commenting that her daughter was single, what I do for a living, whereabouts I live, whether I was “interested” in girls and that I was a “very good boy” because I’m always chauffeuring my mom around, I have a good relationship with her and I pay for everything. I think from the viewpoint of most “moms” – I appear to be a guy they would definitely want for their daughter knowing I’d treat them well (based on what they know about me).

The awkwardness of most situations is that these girls that their moms want to set me up with are all horribly not within my age range. One of these girls and I won’t mention which one, would actually be illegal. Now I know that Canadian law does not dictate any “age requirements” for dating, but obviously they do have age enforcement for sexual relationships. I’m not saying that when I date a girl, all I ever think about is getting in her pants, but obviously if you want the relationship to progress healthily, that is obviously one of the things that will come up. So yes, one of these moms wanted to practically set me up with her underage daughter. The second mom at the very least, tried to “inquire” about me on behalf of her daughter and at the very least, the girl just turned 18 so at least for legal standards, she would not make me act under a criminal capacity. I think about how immature most university-aged girls are nowadays, let alone consider a relationship with a girl who just turned 18. Speaking of which, I know that this would be a dream for almost any heterosexual male – those “fresh”, “barely legal” girls and I can understand that, but not so much for me if I’m looking for a real, working-relationship. I think that a lot of guys my age don’t want to settle either or care about commitment. A few guy-friends when hearing that bebe was going to be out-of-the-country for 6 months asked me whether I was going to “find another girl to bang” while she was away or a girl to “keep me company” (how you want to interpret that is up to you). It’s not going to happen – just because bebe’s not around doesn’t mean it gives me a right to mess around and don’t confuse that I say a girl is “pretty” or “beautiful” means I think I like them – it just means I can appreciate their beauty and doesn’t replace my love for bebe!

While shopping on Saturday, I finally took some pictures at T&T Supermarket in Mississauga in the pad section! I could inconspicuously bring my camera out since it’s attached to my phone and snap a few pictures. I’ll have to get them sometime when my girls go shopping with me. The Elis DX360 is $9.99 – geezzz, but has side-barriers like the Laurier Superguard – weehh! On the left edge of the shelf was some Laurier Thins and Center-In SaraSara pads… not exactly a big fan of thins, but I can’t be biased now can I? Only someone who’s in a tight pinch would ever buy “local” pads/tampons from a Chinese store because be prepared to have your wallet stripped of its money.

Sunday I got a call early in the morning… like shit-time early and my friend asked me what I was planning to do for the day. I was just aiming to relax a day and do a bit of gaming but asked me to join me at her place for a BBQ. Yes, that’s right – a girl doing BBQ, isn’t that just awesome? It’s already super-hot for girls who know how to prepare a proper meal, let alone one who can even work the barbecue, RAWR! She made a delicious meal and although I helped out here and there, it was pretty nice that she spoils me sometimes and we can just chat while she puts some wings, skewers and seafood on the grill! She had a couple of drinks, but I didn’t since I have to drive and Ontario alcohol laws are tighter-than-ever when it comes to enforcing drinking and driving laws. I stayed until about 9PM or so when we called it a night and I went home to get ready for sleep. Why would I sleep so early? Got a damn email telling me that I have an early-morning Monday meeting! UGH.

Anyways, that’s it for the weekend and I hope my fellow flow-lovers enjoy the pictures. I don’t have much on my mind right now so toodles for now!

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Approaching Women About “Female Topics”

I wanted to take this opportunity to write in reply to one of my reader’s suggestion for feedback on a question he posed to me a while ago. I know I have been lacking on doing period posts and have done a lot of moping over bebe. Suffice to say, it’ll be a long 6 months for me and I wonder if she even thinks about me and has me in her heart at all while she’s away. She has yet to reply to me since she got home and has yet to talk to me over MSN (sad meh Poh Ching?). Nevertheless, enough thinking of that and I want to address a really fantastic topic brought up to me:

Shuamayal says:
August 3, 2010 at 3:02 AM

– I would request you to write on how a typical women would react if asked about menstruation, bra and stuff, & if you have screwed up a female friend by asking such, how to make up for

it or the proper convenient way to ask so the other person does not feel offended or “exposed” & “embarrassed” as i was told once 😦

It took me a while to approach this subject because it really made me think. I’m going to try to methodically write this towards 3 different “types” of girls, relationship status wise, on how I have experienced female topics with them, 1) girls I don’t know well, 2) girls I know well, and 3) girlfriend/partner. Suffice to say, there are girls who might fall under category one, but who are open to talking about female topics even with a stranger, but girls who fall under category 2 where even after knowing them for years are still shy or reluctant to talk about it. There’s no “catch-all” to my experiences because as we all know, everyone is different.

Before I start typing the core of this response, I’d like to make note that things expressed herein are strictly my own experiences and opinions and may not be of general consensus or even truth, if you read it, it is your choice whether you wish to validate or deny my judgment.

To address the first part of this reader’s question, I think that a typical woman would find it inappropriate to discuss menstruation, bra, panties and stuff if you don’t know her well. Also, I believe that discussions on such topics are better left to more private areas. Obviously a woman would be more likely to oppose talking about her period at say, by the office cooler, rather than in the comfort of her own phone or a private place. I think this is a pretty usual reaction thinking even upon my own reactions to being asked a private question. Given how open-minded of a guy I am (or at least I think I am), I’ve had many girls ask me private questions before and naturally, I’d be more reluctant about answering them in a quiet mall where everyone can hear everything as opposed to if I was sitting at her house or something. I remember one time when my one of my god-sis asked me something super private in the middle of a mall food court and I was like, “There’s no way I’m answering that question until we get home.” I think we all have an expectation of privacy and certainly, I’m sure other people around wouldn’t want to hear the conversation anyways. Therefore out of respect for others and myself, I would say that we should respect the feelings and privacy of a woman when it comes to asking such questions, especially when it is not someone you know well. I would wager that when you ask a woman who you don’t know well about female topics, their thoughts would be, “Why do you need to know?” – and the likelihood is you probably don’t other than out of perversion or immense curiosity.

In a way, when it comes to women you know well, approaching such subjects come with greater danger because as said, it may end up damaging a relationship (whether romantic or just friends) that is already formed. I think that women can also be pretty understanding in that if you’re in at least “good standing” with them, that it won’t ruin a relationship unless you make the situation really awkward where they can no longer continue a friendship with you. I must say most of the girls I’m close with have all been very open about female topics with me and perhaps they find solace and comfort in confiding in me about personal topics that they can rarely talk to other guys about, even their own boyfriends. I guess naturally I’m also more inclined to make friends with those who are equally, if not more, open-minded so I suppose that may slightly skew the numbers and statistics. Nevertheless, I do believe that when I approach my girl-friends about such subjects, they’re pretty good about it. If they feel they don’t want to answer it, they’ll say so softly but without hard feelings. There are girls like Poh Ching who I’ve known for only months and even when we first started talking, we hit it off immediately and we talked about things as if we were “best friends” without barriers. I think we’ve exchanged more information with each other because of our openness, than we have with our own boyfriends and girlfriends before. There are girls like Sophia who won’t tell me anything as well 😛 LOL!

I think part of what made women this way were the way society has brought all of us up. Menstruation is a particularly taboo subject and even amongst women themselves are often discussed hush-hush. I’m glad to see that many of the girls of my generation are beginning to be more comfortable approaching such subjects because it’s becoming a more “acceptable” thing (not that it shouldn’t have been acceptable in the first place). As much as I’ve often asked girls about things like menstruation, oddly enough, I rarely approach my girls about subjects of their panties, bra size, weight and especially not their sizes. With as much experience as I had with my ex’s panties and bras, I’ve never noted her size or anything (did that make me a bad boyfriend? LOL), because it’s not something I’m just all that interested in. I think most guys love to gloat about their girlfriend’s breasts and stuff, but for as huge as my ex’s boobs were, I’ve never actually asked her for any of her sizes. So to answer the question, I don’t have much experience when it comes to asking girls about female articles of clothing. I shall put it quite frankly that I think most girls don’t find it acceptable for you to know about her sizes unless you are dating or married to her. If anything, most of my girls I do happen to know their sizes or weight only because they have told me without me inquiring. Also, it’s very natural for me to know about it because I shop with my girls a lot, so when they ask me to pick out certain sizes for them, it makes it pretty obvious as they try things on – I’m not blind you know 😀 But rest assured, I don’t really get all that hyped about that stuff. If a girl tells me her bra size, I wouldn’t be as excited as if she told me she was on her period or something, HAHAHA.

So the third type of women, one you are dating or married to then I think there needs to be mutual openness here. After all, if you’re dating and ESPECIALLY if you’re married, things like these should not need to remain a secret. Your girlfriend/wife (probably) menstruates, wears a bra, wears panties, etc. so it’s not like that is some worldwide secret or anything. If you’re in a relationship and you can’t even share simple matters like these, I don’t see any reason why the relationship should have progressed in the first place. With all my girlfriends, I have always “tested the waters” with their acceptance towards my interest/fetish by slowly introducing the topic in. You can tell whether they are open to talking about it or that they’re very shy. I know you guys listen to me bitch a lot, but honestly, bebe used to tell me a lot more about her period than she does now or within the past while. Like one of my readers said, it’s definitely a spiteful thing to do, especially she knows I enjoy knowing and what harm will it do to her? I can understand if I used her menstrual knowledge “against” her, like using it to time when she will PMS so I can mock and bother her, but no, I use that information with all the best intentions and so I can be around to be extra comforting for her. I cannot understand what logical girl would not love something like that, but hey, we’re all different. Sometimes trying to read into her makes my head explode, haha. When it comes to all the other girlfriends I’ve had, I could see they were open about sharing female topics and having even a relationship-building effect because it’s a special and meaningful way we can connect talking about female topics and I can get to know their bodies/feelings better! Topics like weight and sizes tend to be a pretty touchy subject for women, even beyond relationship and marriage, so really, it’s up to you whether you want to delve in such information. I think it’s pretty usual for a guy to know a girl’s sizes once they begin to share closet space anyways!

I only know of one girl who I’ve probably pushed away as a result of talking to her about periods. The odd thing was she was the one who approached me about the topic, which is really what pissed me off even more. I can see a girl being upset with me if I approached her about a sensitive topic, but if she was the one to begin the discussion, then that makes her retarded for playing “shy” after the fact. She began to talk about how great she thought using the Divacup was and permanently gave up using pads and tampons and then we had a very brief discussion on it. Heck, I didn’t even tell her anything about my “interest” – but just expressed I was glad she found something that she felt comfortable with and was being environmentally-conscious. She became all quiet about it and eventually stopped talking to me. I think I’d be unhappy if it was something “I did” to cause it, but she was the one who opened up to me about something as intimate as her use of menstrual cup, why the hell would you do that if you were going to be offended by it? Suffice to say, her and I are no longer friends and I have no want of “making up for it” because how can I be friends with someone who will open a topic for discussion and then become all sensitive about it when the other person begins to speak on that subject? The only other girl I can think of that I had to “make up” for it is bebe, because that is the whole reason why you are reading this blog – it is her inspiration and my way of expressing my commitment to her. When I told bebe about my interests, like most girls, she was like “wow” (in shocked way), but slowly accepted it within me. However, I needed to reassure her that knowledge of menstruation in a guy is nothing to be ashamed for her, doesn’t harm her in any way and in fact, helps her feel comfortable with communicating with me about anything, even personal bodily issues and female matters. This blog is dedicated to her because it was a way to ease her into the idea that men should know about menstruation and that it is an ADVANTAGE, not a disadvantage to have a boyfriend who appreciates it. Those are the only two scenarios where I’ve had happen to me where I felt I needed to “make up” for my actions.

I think the easiest way to approach women when it comes to these matters are through tact, exploration and to know your limits. Some women are insanely shy about it while others are open even to a total stranger. Some will only discuss it with their own gender while some will be more than happy to share their experiences with the opposite gender. I try to conjure up a conversation related to periods and see if she’ll continue in that direction. If she does, it’s likely she doesn’t feel too shy about it but if she steers away, it is likely she’s either 1) oblivious, or 2) doesn’t feel comfortable with the subject. A big factor besides knowing a person’s personality is also how close you are with the girl in question. Most of my girls I can be very blunt to, especially my god-sis’ I can just ask, “Hey, I forgot when your period is coming…” or “Do you have any pads/tampons left that I can have?” … while there are girls I would dare not be so blunt and I’d have to “work my way in” to a conversation like that. I could also say I know the girls around me well enough to know who you can approach female topics with and those who you can’t and it’s best to choose your targets correctly as it may result in dire consequences. Obviously asking a female coworker who you don’t know well about her bra size, period or weight is asking to get a lawsuit in your face. For women who are resistant to the subject, then the best thing to do is either CREATE that comfort-zone with them where they’re willing to share or simply don’t even bother. Women are entitled to their privacy, especially if you’re not in a particular relationship with them when it comes to their periods and other female topics. Choose your environment well, don’t pick places where a woman might feel exposed, embarrassed or offended where they feel at least they can be open with you about the subject-matter and try to avoid approaching the subject when she’s surrounded by others. After all, I may be comfortable sharing information with person X but not when person Y is present. Your tone and demeanour plays an important part, if you look like you want the information for perverted gains rather than for personal growth and knowledge, you are more likely to be declined an answer by the girl.

To sum it up, you simply have to know the person you are approaching about sensitive female matters. I understand no matter how well you know a girl, she may still reject or make a judgment mistake and end up damaging things, so it’s up to your discretion and choice whether you want to strike up such a conversation. Within a relationship, I believe learning about each others bodily experience helps connect partners and builds character and the relationship itself because after all, isn’t it a bond with each other that is a foundation of a good relationship? There is no right way of asking a question, only a way and how you do it will determine whether she smiles and answers your question or is a tick away from being slapped in the face 😆 There are then of course girls who I know won’t tell me but I bug them about it, but that is usually in jest and just to poke at them 😛

As people say, “Know your friends, know your enemies.”

Saved $7.99 on TWO packs of Stayfree pads – good deal eh?!

On another note, I FINALLY got to use my coupon $5 off any 2 packs of Stayfree Pads, Carefree Liners or O.B. Tampons coupon at a nearby Rexall that they just built (great excuse to scout it out) which resulted in me saving $7.99 off regular prices! I know this deal isn’t as great as the 99-cent one, but hey, my house has been empty of supplies for 3 weeks now 😀 Just for shits-and-giggles, I timed myself.. from the moment I entered the store, look me 8 seconds to locate and get in the feminine hygiene aisle, 9 seconds to get a pack of Stayfree Super Maxi Pads with Wings and another pack of Stayfree Super Maxi Pads without Wings, 7 seconds to get to the cashier, 25 seconds for the cashier to register my purchase and 4 seconds to walk out the door. In total, I managed to make two CORRECT purchases in a total of 53 seconds. I can now proudly say it takes me less than a minute to locate the right aisle and make a product purchase 😛 Of course it’d be a hell of a lot faster if the lady didn’t spend 15 seconds just staring at my coupon to make sure it was “real” before she put it in – heck, I even had my own reusable bag so I put the packages in myself while she read every letter on that coupon! Some might argue I managed to get out so quick because I’m “afraid” or “ashamed” – lol, but hardly… I’m not afraid to be seen in the feminine hygiene aisle or buying the products, it was because it was about to rain and rained-on pads are disgusting as well I arrived only 15 minutes before closing time because I was too busy talking to Amy over Skype that I lost track of time (gee thanks, haha). All in all, a decent weekend – my back hurts today for some reason though. Again, another sweet-sweet dream about bebe and woke up with my pillow all wet because I probably spent most of the night kissing my pillow thinking it was her, haha. On the weekend after acupuncture, this was the first time I think “something went awry” because I had this massive nosebleed. Whatever meridians were poked must’ve triggered something because I haven’t had my nosebleed like this for a long time, even though I was prone to it back in my “less healthy” days. I have to tell her to be careful about where she’s poking those needles if I’m getting a heavy flow (lol) right afterward because who knows what kind of effect it had on my body!

I Think Too Much…

As if one who has read my blog probably has already concluded. A lot of people take being analytical as being a really good thing. I am extremely analytical and for all intesive purposes, someone could say something as sure, ok, no, yes, maybe and I would in my head, infer different meanings and thoughts that you may be having. There are times when such analysis comes in great uses, especially ones where I’m deciding whether I’m in a position of danger and such, but rarely do those happen and I find my constant “reading” into things an annoyance.

Trust me, when you begin to think of every angle of what a person could be feeling or “truly” saying when they say simple things, then it comes to the point of over-analysis. I think some of the arguments bebe and I get into is a result of my over-analysis. She will say something as simple as it may be I have already thought of 50 other things she might mean or subconsciously considering even when it is not the case.  I cannot pinpoint the exact English word, but the Chinese expression 多心 comes to mind when it goes to describing me – I think more than I really need to, especially for small situations.

I think a lot of my friends think that I sit there and hunch over bebe’s Facebook and read into what she does, who she talks to and what she thinks. The funny thing is I don’t, because I know when I do, my brain starts to wander. I remember a recent occasion where one of her friends and her were talking to each other and I totally got jealous at things they were talking about. I did not know whether she was serious or joking, but it led me to all sorts of crazy thoughts. I told myself that if I’m going to read her things, I should take everything from a NEUTRAL standpoint, I should not infer anything that her or her friends say, I should read, smile and put it down just like everything else and not take it to heart. Understandably, many of us say things without a second thought because it comes naturally or because we understand inside jokes. When other people read it, they might feel aghast. I can definitely say I let a different side show of me on Facebook rather than the person I am. Suffice to say, I’m not hiding who I am, I just tend to be a bit more wackier on Facebook or may say things I otherwise would not. Since all my Facebook “friends” are people I have actually taken the time to know (and hopefully vice-versa), I feel comfortable expressing myself.

Past 3-4 days I noticed another shedding cycle or so I think. Again, here’s the “think” again – because I really don’t know if it’s true. I always seems every once in a while, my hair goes into these shedding phases where I seem to lose more than usual. This morning I combed my hair and I think about 15 hair strands came out and I’m like HOLY FUCK. I know that stress is a factor of hair loss, but am I really that stressed out? I mean yes, I’m very unhappy over bebe’s departure for 6 months, but this is the least of things. I’ve been much more stressed in my life before than this. I find it almost ironic that as much as she wants hair on me, she’s also the one destroying most of my hair, LOL. All the stress and grief that arises seem to make me more prone to being stressed. When we were together happily, talking and my mood was always up, I was always calm and nice and even the worst of situations I’d just smile. Now I find myself what Cherrie would call “angsty” – the smallest things tip me off. I know in the back of my mind I keep thinking if worse comes to worse, I can just get a hair transplant but that doesn’t solve the ROOT of the problem, which is this unhappiness is just generated from the lack of companionship from bebe. Poh Ching and I always have serious talks about this, because she has a good connection of girls of her own culture, background and likely, similar upbringing. Also, she helps me shed light on things because she too, was the shy, first-relationship girl as well. Although there are times when I curse at myself for bothering with a girl who seems so resistant, I snap back and realize that love has no bounds and choices like these are made out of feelings, not simply logic.

Seems like most of my friends (particularly those who follow my blog) have told me it’s so easy to stay in touch these days – I easily can with bebe over Skype. I would hate to do webcam with her because I hate how I look already, especially over cam 😆 I wouldn’t mind being able to talk to her over voice and just to hear her beautiful voice. I should’ve recorded it while I had the chance >_> I’ve already been constantly checking my MSN to see if she’s finally done stabbing me by ignoring me on MSN and ready to talk to me again, but nope, still hasn’t even though she’s finally back in the comfort of her home. I sit there checking the servers to see if she’s lifted it and I think it’s almost becoming paranoia at that. I need to sit back and just wait for her rather than always checking.

I just want a normal life back, where bebe and I can play games together, smile in each others company, walk with each other to run errands, lie on the grass in the park and share heart-to-heart conversations. I just want her to stare in my eyes and see how much I care for her and can give her a life of happiness. I don’t want to become her show-off toy where she can bring me to her friends and be like, “My boyfriend looks better than your boyfriend,” and become her groomed pet. I want our existence to be our fulfillment of life and that we can start a great family-life together. Life is so short, we spend years growing up, years finding one we can love and only short years that we actually spend together. To think of how we’re wasting our lives away when both of us are made for each other brings sorrow to me – because life is so fragile we should take advantage of every moment.

But today, I realized I need to be a believer. I need to look myself in the mirror and with confidence, believe I can. I have renewed sense of hope, after seeing a guy who is on the large side, older, not one who everyone would consider attractive and not one who is rich and famous, in a relationship with an young and extremely beautiful girl. This couple may be the very testament that there is truth to love, that love allows us to see past those physical imperfections – that bebe could perhaps one day soon, see that I am a guy worthy of her love and that both of us strike passion with each other. Humans undoubtly make assumptions of a person upon appearance, but seeing old couples on the street who have MUCH lost their looks, yet in a loving and undeniable loyalty to each other make me smile and remind myself that when they came together, they knew that she wasn’t going to keep the 36-24-36 she had and that he wasn’t going to retain every strand of hair and that 12-pack of abs he once worked-in. I’m a believer today, because I have seen a relationship between a beautiful girl and a very average guy be together in happiness makes me believe that bebe and I can do the same. It is not that I am suggesting that I will let myself go and be some couch potato and not bother staying in shape, but I don’t believe we should be basing our relationship based on what we see from the exterior of each other. What if bebe in Malaysia gains 10 lbs before she comes back from all the good food and sleep-ins? I am still here for her and my heart will seek no other.

Today, I am a believer. Hope, love, faith.

Now… time to work on finding a shampoo for oily scalps so I can try to keep this hair on my head and get rid of these stupid sebum flakes!

Friday Fun and Moping

Looks like another Friday has dawned upon us, crazy! Today was pretty relaxing – left work at about 1PM only to arrive at a site to be told, “Oh… by the way, I should’ve called you to tell you our problem was fixed – sorry for wasting your time coming all the way out here.” I sure as hell was glad it wasn’t out-of-the-way and was on the way home anyways. Looked at my phone and it was only 1:30… surely I cannot leave work that early, can I? Being the good employee I am, I decided to stay at the site and survey the area for work that needs to be done. Talked with the contacts in the building and was only 1:45. Well screw it, I’m going home early today, the boss’ car was gone anyways when I left, so he won’t be around to check on us anyways!

Got home at 2PM and didn’t want to cut the grass that early. The sun was shining hardcore and although the breeze was very nice, under the sun for about 5 minutes and you could feel your skin burning already. I know the UV rating wasn’t very high today, but I dislike heat as it causes discomfort for me. My cell rang, crap – oh wait, good, it’s not work! Turns out got a call from one of my girls asking me if I wanted to catch an early dinner with them because they were doing a “girls night out” and were going to the movies afterward. I told them I could go with them, so I rushed to mow the lawn before my mom came home and would complain about how ugly the grass looked. My lawnmower is self-propelled but moves at a fairly slow pace so I pretty much had to push it along to reduce the time it took to finish.

I took a short shower, got dressed in something more casual and met the girls for dinner. Obviously we all paid for ourselves 😛 I had a kicker because they always want to have a reason to get together, not “just because.” As we were sitting in the restaurant, we couldn’t figure out something to cheers/toast to. I jokingly said, “Hey, ____ you’re on your period right? How about we give a toast, to the beginning of your period!” and I laughed jokingly. All the girls faces lit up and they all accepted and we had a reason to celebrate, because one of the girls period started 😆 – guess that’s as good of a reason as any other! They had to finish dinner quick and split after a few hours and I went home to watch some series.

Got a call from my friend as I just stepped through the door. He asked me if I was home all excited about something. I said I just got back and he said he was coming by. That is unusual because most people ask if they can drop by (other than girls – they’re always welcome at my house, LOLOLOL) rather than “telling” me he’s coming by. Sure enough even before I get to the door, he’s pulled in the driveway and I finally saw why – he got a nice, new car! His 5-minute car-showoff turned into a 2 hour impromptu conversation on my driveway. He did ask if I wanted to go for dinner, but I had ate with the girls earlier already so I wasn’t feeling hungry.

During a TVB drama, I saw one of my favourite male actors/singers, Raymond Lam! I love his songs and can sing most of them and even more so, his acting is starting to improve. I really like how Raymond looks, a mix of the typical masculinity yet with boyish good looks. I said if I were wanted to get plastic surgery, I would definitely get something done to look like him. I commented to my mom that I thought Raymond looked very leng jai in this series and my mom had a grave and concerned look on her face and said, “Do you find yourself attracted to men often?” For god sake, I said he looked handsome not that I said I was crazy and madly in love with him. Can a man not make an appreciative statement of another male without automatically being thought of as gay?

Speaking of cars, today, I found out bebe got her driver’s license on the first try – I am so proud of her! You know, when you’re an Asian girl trying to get a drivers license, you know luck and stereotypes is already against you. But hot damn, that’s my bebe, confident, strong and smart (yes, I bolded it, because smart girl are sexy girls :lol:)! In a way, I felt kind of at peace because honestly, if her intentions wasn’t to bother to come back to Canada, why would she even get a Canadian license? I can’t say there isn’t a bit of selfishness in my thoughts behind it, but hey, I’m entitled to nomnomnom over her right? 😛 Ok, so that might not be completely true, but I like to pretend what I think is right, haha – it makes me feel better. I guess that means I no longer have to drive her, she can drive herself now XD On the other hand, it might also means she spends and exorbitant amount of time with her friends and totally forgets about spending time with me. Outrageous 😕 LOL. Guess I can sleep in the car while she ports us around now, hah.

Suffice to say, I’m very proud of bebe today, not that I’m regularly not, just that today she added one more reason for me to be proud of her. God, why do I feel so cheerful and vibrant for her accomplishments? I was extra happy she bothered replying to me on FB when I commented. In the past, I tend to get ignored by her and such when I comment which I’ve found kind of rude, hurtful and spiteful, so it made me extra happy today 😀 I’m in a good mood! I didn’t try to kill the loser who cut in front of me today, lucky bastard that bebe put me into a happy-mode today!

Tomorrow going out for acupuncture, perhaps meet with some friends and get groceries. Have to wake up early and check if god-sis is free and if she is, maybe find something to do with her since I’m out there anyways. Poh Ching just asked me saying I should’ve spent all this week and next week with bebe before she leaves so we can enjoy each others company =_= Obviously you haven’t been KEEPING UP WITH THE STORY Poh Ching, lol. If I could, I would’ve spent all 14 days before her departure with her, haha… stoopppodd 😛 Now I have to get all melacholic about her leaving in a few days and not even being able to see her. I’m a bit emo right now, ya? Girls sure know how to hit you where it hurts.

I’m sure a lot of people reading this won’t believe me… or at least those who don’t know me well. Next week I will probably take Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off… or at the very least Tuesday. On Tuesday, I will be at home crying, puking and probably trying to smash my head against the wall until my head bleeds because bebe is going to Malaysia for 6 months. Yes yes, I talk about that a lot, I know… trust me, I’ll be talking about it more on my personal blog when she does leave – I’ll probably go into some mad frenzy (sucks to be the people who get in my way or piss me off). One may think what’s the big deal? If you say so, then you have never loved before. The gut-puking feeling of someone you care about being 15,000KM’s away from you for HALF A YEAR is wrenching. I’ll be at home mopping about, suffering from massive depression attacks and staring at my gun. At least if I take a day off, I know I can just crawl in my bed and put the blanket over my head and pretend the world doesn’t exist and that I don’t love her. Yes, pretend, because we know that’s the exact opposite. Nothing changes the hurt, especially of being ignored.

Thought I’d leave you guys with something to laugh about… or perhaps I need a laugh too:

Big Bang Theory – Tampon Talk on Youtube

And you thought I was the only one to consider something like this eh? HAHA. I win 😀 Apparently buying feminine hygiene in bulk is not so much of a crazy idea!

Good Morning Period!

Looks like it’s a fairly decent morning – the sun is out and the winds are still cool. Of course since I got to work, I can already see the temperature on my screen rising from a comfortable 20 degrees Celsius to now 25 degrees, luckily if you’re not under the sun, the breeze is still nice coming through the window! Woke up rather groggy this morning probably because I slept too well. With some connections with a good friend of mine who’s a graphics expert, she printed off a nice picture of bebe and I together ^__^ so cute and before anyone asks, no, I will not post this anywhere including Facebook, lol.. she did it as a favour for me on company time 😛

This resulted in a really nice sleep and dream… in fact, way too good of a sleep. When I woke up, I admit that I had pillow all in my mouth. I had stupid pillow strands and the taste of my pillow-case, gross. I’ve always slept with one of those long comfy pillows next to me so I have something to hug on to, so this isn’t something new, but if I didn’t know any better, I probably spent most of my sleeping night kissing my fucking pillow dreaming it was bebe probably… ewww… gross, pillow cases do NOT taste good in any way (unless coated with chocolate). I need to stop having dreams of bebe.. what happened to dreaming about other girls? LOL… geezz..

I woke up anyways through my grogginess to get a happy text message! I was about to bitch at who would make me wake up at an ungodly hour, but turns out I got a message from one of my god-sis’ who told me about the happy arrival of her period 😀 much to my excitement! Looking at my calendar a few days ago, one of my girls should also be starting this week, but she told me it might be delayed because it was last time. However, I trust my calendar and she’s been complaining about chocolate cravings last night, so it must be coming soon too, yay 😛 life is good sometimes, no? LOL.

I was rather happy since it has been a while since any of my girls’ periods have come, so I jaunted out of bed, picked her up at her house and we went for a small breakfast before I had to go to work! She also told me she’s starting to run low on pads and had to buy more, but I didn’t have time so I told her we could go after work or that I could get them from her and bring them to her house when she needed them. Yes, I do happen to know everything she uses, so I don’t even have to ask questions 😆 I’m trying to delay buying them only because I’m still waiting for my Stayfree, O.B or Carefree coupons to come in and it has been 2 weeks already! 😦 I don’t like going to the store too many times and want to pick up mine and her stuff all at once… and it’s mainly because of the summer heat laziness.

God-sis’ did have some major PMS signs this month, lol, something must’ve been making her unhappy – but she seems content now and we had a great breakfast conversation! I haven’t seen this one for a while, so it was nice to connect again before we both had to head off for work. I’m glad she messaged me in the morning with such happy news, even though she woke me up from my slumber and dreams of bebe, haha. I can’t wait until my other girl starts soon, I want to know if I’ve got her on-track with my calendar 😛

My storage is barren right now.. I only have some Always Extra Heavy Overnights which I ordered from before and a cheapo pack of Always Classics with Wings I bought from the dollar store (lol, they’re actually not too bad) and I’m tempted to not wait for the coupons to arrive… but noooo, I’m too cheap for that 😀 If anything, god-sis and I could split the two packs of Stayfree that I’ll end up buying with the coupon – but as I’m typing this, it just dawned upon me that she doesn’t use Stayfree – stupid me! Well, I guess I’ll just have to get her stuff first since she doesn’t mind spending the money, haha… I guess when you’re menstruating, you don’t have much of a choice 😛 I told her she should always have kept some stuff over at my place XD Shit, I don’t even have any tampons left, so too bad for her… gave them all away.

How ironic… in 6 days from now, I’ll be a pile of misery and 6 days from now, bebe will be happy and excited. Sometimes I laugh mockingly at life. I remember when we first met and I was counting down the days on my personal MSNSpace blog of her returning, I guess now once she leaves I have to start counting time half-a-bloody-fucking-god-damned-life-wrecking-year of days until her return. I guess I take most of my personal bitching to a more private blog rather than here. Talk about life-fuckery at the max… last time I used that blog extensively was when I was waiting for her to return… a year ago.. and now a year later, I now have to countdown again until her return – except 3 times longer. Talk about being played like a stupid fool. Nevertheless, my hearts not going anywhere far for the next 6 months anyways. Times like these I probably need a couple of FWB’s, HAH!

Time to finish up my coffee, get back to work and watch a few movies then. Toodles for now.

Does Your Menstrual Fetish Affect Choosing Your Girlfriend/Partner?

Does your menstrual fetish affect choosing your girlfriend/partner?

This was an interesting topic posted up by someone on Kayo’s and it isn’t that it is the first time I’ve pondered the notion, but it is the first time that I’ve decided to post or even talk about it. Now the original question was just “fetish” rather than “menstrual fetish” – but obviously I decided this would be more fit for the topic of this blog and of course on the topic of Kayo’s as well. Suffice to say, for a person to say that their own fetish has absolutely NO effect on their choice would be daring, not impossible – but quite hard. Our fetishes are what composes us as an individual and builds our character. This question was indeed a thinker for me and I would give credit to the individual who posted it, but the person posted it did it anonymously, so unfortunately looks like the credit will have to float into cyberspace.

For me, my menstrual interests are a key part of who I am. I do not think about menstruation every moment of the day, but it’s also something I enjoy and strive to learn – just like any other persons hobbies, past-times or educational-interests. Other than the fact that menstruation is taboo, how is it different than learning about how the do an oil change? I admit at one point, my interest in menstruation was a deep-dark secret, that no one except for my girlfriend or ex’s would ever know about, but I am slowly allowing others to see that part of me – like my god-sis’ and close female friends. With the exception of those in Kayo’s menstrual community who share similar love and appreciation of periods, I am still shy to allow my male friends to see this side of me, because they are probably more inclined to feel repulsed.

It’s very easy for me to open up to girls on this matter because I think quite a few of them crave to open themselves up to a male counterpart as well. Maybe I’m just lucky with the girls I know, but most can have very frank, enjoyable and educational discussions with me over this. Moreover, some girls even admit that I know more about periods/feminine hygiene than they do and in turn, educate them on things they didn’t even know about. I believe that when it comes down to knowledge, it is best shared because everyone learns something from each other. I hardly claim myself to be an expert, perhaps a guy with “above-average” knowledge of menstruation. There are obviously lots of male gynecologists or medical practitioners who have superior menstrual knowledge compared to me!

I think I’m more inclined to choose a girlfriend who is open-minded, rather than saying that she has to share my love of menstruation. This is also the case with my friends and more importantly, my girls. I think when a person is close-minded, they become ignorant of the world around them and simply want to live in the comfort of their own seclusion and experiences. Although I recognize there is always the feeling of safety being in one’s safety-zone, it also means that you’re not allowing others to grant you beautiful knowledge about things that are worth learning about. Learning is not always about doing. Knowing how to make a bomb is different than making one to hurt someone. Learning about menstruation does not mean you menstruate OR have to like it, but means you have practical knowledge of it. I have a tough time expressing myself to girls who are socially frigid or closed-minded because I’m an open person who is willing to share but all of the most intimate things. Some people call it TMI – I just call it being expressive.

I want a girlfriend or partner who at the very least is “ok” with my interests. A few years ago, I wanted a girlfriend who must have at least a similar love for it – even if not to the same degree. This I found was a very immature attitude, to expect a person to share every similarity with you is almost a joke and I would imagine that I’d probably be single for a long time to find a girl who loved menstruation as much as I did and who would be actively involved as such. I have made this mistake once to having fallen for a girl because she included me regularly in her period-talks and although the lust was undeniable, I told myself that if I cared for her because she shared so much with me, then the relationship wasn’t going to last. What happens if for some reason, a medical situation caused her to lose her period. What happens when menopause hits, will I then lose my love for her? These questions made me realize that a relationship based upon sharing common fetish simply does not work. Suffice to say, if you’re in a “relationship” simply for sharing sexual pleasures, then absolutely it would work, but if you’re looking for a long-term monogamous relationship, then a common fetish only “adds” to the relationship, but is not a foundation.

Of course I have asked myself time and time again since bebe and I started dating, whether I could accept a girl who is not as emotionally open (at the moment) or a girl who doesn’t seem like to be the touchy-feely and enjoys the same kinkiness as I do. It was important to me at one point to want a girl who appreciated my knowledge and could become an active part of my interests. Nevertheless, as I fell for her, this all went a way – I could accept that she might never be open to my fetish, that she may never participate in it, that she might not even like the fact I’m involved with it and probably very timid and shy. I know all this might change, but for now, I still see her as a girl who might not be the “wacky and wild” type.

I can understand that everyone has sexual needs and that to some, their fetishes might be the core expectation of what they want from a girlfriend/partner. It is indeed important for those in relationships to have a regular and positive sex life, however, I just don’t think I should be basing my ultimate life-long commitment to a girl because she does or doesn’t like menstruation as much as I do. Would I be happy if she did? Absolutely – but it’s not a demand NOR a necessity. I love her for who she is and while you could claim her “interests” would be what makes up who she is – there are some things you can’t live without and some things you can live with – and her choice of whether she wants to be a part of my fetish-life is her decision, the important part is that we have a loving and committed relationship.

We have to all remember there are a lot of times we want things that we may not obtain. As I mentioned before, mishaps happen and perhaps your girlfriend/partner/wife has her period when you first meet her, but then loses it as a result of a medical condition. Surely, one could not use that reason to justify breaking up/divorcing simply because she no longer fulfills your menstrual-fetish needs. It might hurt your libidos a bit, but as I recall, you love a woman for who she is and not because she is capable of menstruating. Even if bebe were to suddenly say that she’s never having her period or not having kids, I would still love her. I know that part of who I am, I have always said I want children and would probably suffocate if I had to be with a girl who went on the pill/shot to prevent her period, but now that I’m with a girl I pour my heart into, all those small things become irrelevant. I don’t need kids or periods to fulfill my life – I need her.

In turn, we can always believe that in a relationship, a couple work together to make things click and to accommodate each others needs. We all have different quirks, we all have different fetishes or things that turn us on. Maybe right now she’s not interested in menstruation – maybe in the future, she’ll see it as a part of our lives and make it such. As couples, you cater to each other as you want to satisfy each others desires and just seeing the smile on their face throws down the emotional/physical barrier that originally affected you. Sometimes things are also subtle when it comes to fulfilling our fetishes, like my ex for instance where one day she whispered in my ears that, “I’m wearing a tampon just for you.” (actually I’m not a big fan of tampons, so it shows how well she doesn’t know me, LOL) and I know that she never has in her life. For her to do that is a sign that she’s willing to do something out-of-the-ordinary for me, thus emotions help us overcome things we would not think possible.

In the end, as much as my fetish is important to me and a part of who I am, choosing a girlfriend or wife would not revolve around the acceptance (as long as it isn’t complete rejection) of my interests. Love is an indescribable thing that sometimes if someone asks, “Why do you love person X?” your answer is simply, “Because I do.” And beyond that, I cannot justify it. Period or not – she is who she is.

Worthwhile Blog Entry Reads

I usually try not to go too crazy when it comes to reposting blogs since I try to make sure all the content of my blog is original and personal, but every once in a while I’m feeling lazy, demotivated or simply because I’ve found something worth putting up on my own blog of someone else’s work! I have found two that I found really meant something to me worth putting up:

That

Job providers, when you provide your email, I can actually “Facebook” (in lieu of “Googling”) ie: check you out when you provide your email for us freelancers to send our profile to?

Of course, there are some smart ones who have separate emails – one for personal use, one for business purposes.

Me? At the moment, since I’ve locked my FB profile real tight, I don’t worry about any stranger checking me out. :P But in future, I would definitely get a separate email for work. Not really for privacy purposes, but to separate “entertainment” emails from “VIP” emails :P

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That

What you write on FB reflects on yourself?

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That –

Persons whom you aren’t really that close to (eg: mere acquaintances) get to know your personal details without having being comfortably close to you?

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That –

No matter what you assert, it’s your actions that count?

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That –

One should always appreciate what you have, and never take anything for granted? Because when it’s gone, it’s really gone – nothing you can say or do to take back what you had.

I’m not going to go on to give examples of boyfriend giving his eyes to his blind girlfriend, and then said girlfriend dumps now blind boyfriend (From an email I received).

I am just going to say that: If you don’t appreciate what you have, you’ll never be satisfied, and never be happy. I’m not saying that one should not have a goal or ambition, but just appreciate what you have. More is not always better. Remember, something’s gotta give when you receive something. It’s always give and take, one will not exist without the other. In other words, nothing comes for free.

A successful cousin of mine said:

“There is only two things that matter. Money and Sex. If someone gives you something – you can be sure they want something from you too. Money or Sex? There’s NO such thing as “free”.” (He said something approximately so la.)

But I digress. :) There’s somethings called Compassion, Empathy, Pity (Eww, hope it doesn’t apply to me :( ), Kindness, Charity, Care, Love and so on so forth.

For example, your parents. It is their very nature to provide for you as their children. If not, there’s always human rights and legislation to fall back on, fellow children *evil wink*

Click here for a summary of your rights as a child below 18 years old (Duh, you wanna be a baby forever? Slap you with my Ipanema slippers then you know!).

Abuse, neglect, abandonment or exposing a child to physical and/or emotional injuries is punishable under this law. Click here for the entrenchment (ie: Realisation of said rights as law in Malaysia) of said rights in the national legislation.

Click here for a few criticism of said legislation. (Not a very good reference, but I’m lazy to research while engaging in battle against mosquitoes out for blood.)

OKAY I see I have deviated (ie: gone off-tangent pfft) as usual from my flow. I was mentioning parents’ instinct to provide for their children. Parents provide for you because they CARE. They don’t (usually) ask for anything in return, except to see that you grow colourful wings and be able to fly on said wings (And hopefully in gratitude of them parents.)

To find friends who would do the same for you? It’s hard to find. Each to his own. Of course, there are exceptions, yes – but generally – you know I know. We can’t afford to help out every single on of our friends. We can only afford help out the extra-special few. *sigh*

Good things are hard to find and, once you have it, do appreciate it. You may now argue that “Good” does not always mean “Good for me“. Try to see the glass half-full instead of half-empty.

Yeah, who am I to say? I’m in for the ironic and and the practical and the logical (ie: To see BOTH pros and CONS.). But in the end, I smile and shrug. There’s always someone out there having it worse than I.

Plus, the way you see the world reflects how the world sees you. :) I’ve read enough self-help books to know that the Secret to Happiness is the way you yourself perceive things.

For example:

I know that I’m not as intelligent as the guy or girl standing next to me. But I don’t try to cover up that fault by pretending to be smart. I ADMIT my fault. Let them laugh at me. It’s OK, it’s alright. It’s not going to affect me – as long things get done.

Someone once told me that he uses his weakness as his strength. And I really admire him for that. I admire the fact that he accepts himself as he is and not complain that “I’m like this so I can’t do this” or “I did it badly because I’m like this”. (Sadly, this guy has gone the other way round and see said “weakness” as his weakness. :( )

It’s perhaps, in our nature to keep wanting more and more. And sometimes, you just never learn to appreciate something because it’s always there for you.

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And again, I forgot what else I wanted to say. So on to……

UPDATES:

Leprechaun took me out for dinner XD We ate at TGI‘s – the food was OKla. Not true nomnomnom stuff, but it’s alright. After, we went to Cupcake Chic for nomnomnom (NOTE: Whenever nomnomnom appears before a food, it means the food is FANTASTIC.) what else – cupcakes!

The best way to pull me out is by feeding me nomnomnoms. (SHOUT-OUT: NO BBQ PLAZA thankkewverymuch my fellow ChunChick sisters.) My taste ranges from the el-cheapo to the not-so-cheapskate stuff.

For example, I LOVE the cendol sold at ss17, introduced by Piggy. I LOVE the White Chocolate Macadamia/Pecan cake found at Secret Recipe. I LOVE the tomyam served at Secret Recipe, introduced by Fanny from college. I LOVE the curly fries sold at A&W. I LOVE the chocolate lava cake thingy sold at Chilli’s, introduced by Leprechaun. I LOVE the humongous choc brownie served at Louisiana, introduced by my sisters. I LOVE my mom’s cooking of wild boar/pork/crab/lala/ginseng chicken. I LOVE the alfredo served at Vary Pasta. I LOVE fatty satay :P

All these dreaming about food makes me feel like eating again.

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Before I publish any post, I usually re-read it to check for grammatical and spelling errors. Or sometimes, just for fun :P Nothing better than admiring my own creativity work opinions :P My thoughts are so random and rarely have a proper flow :P Sigh. It’s really amazing that despite scrambled brains like mine, that I can actually communicate with anyone. =______=”

TTFN.

via ( ‘ , ^ )

I liked that post because it really delved into several subjects I often contemplate, humanity, psychological reflections, personal growth, family/friends, feelings/emotions, strengths/weaknesses and self-worth.

The second had lots of great pictures which I cut out but the bottom of the post had some great paragraphs written…

Listen to me very carefully… take more pictures!  Take them when you’re lazy, take them when you’re excited, take them even with ppl beginning to roll their eyes at you.  The hell with them!  You are creating memories dammit.  Make it a priority to take pictures of things, places, people, and of course, yourself!  You are only young once and they are there as proof to your grandchildren that, yes, grammy was once young and dashing!  Pictures provide a great storybook for your lives and the collecting of memories on film/laptop/monitor/fb is truly priceless.

I’ve never regret taking more pictures!

And for once in your life, take some professional/glamour type pictures!  Like I said, the more proof you have for your grandchildren- the better!

via Favorite Little Things

She had a lot of pictures (what a beautiful girl I should mention – go check her out!) which was what caught my eye (lol what? I’m a guy…), but then I also read the quote as stated above. It suddenly hit home that I ought to take pictures more. I get really self-conscience about taking pictures of me or even when I like to snap a shot of a nice scenery and people give me weird looks. I mean, I love taking pictures of important people like bebe, LOL – and I’d easily expend my entire memory card full of space if I had to for her, hahaha. I think bebe and I ought to take some nice pictures like Jen and her husband have in the future.

Creating moments… yes that is exactly something worthwhile to cherish. Whether short or long, permanent or temporary, every moment is worth remembering for all it brings us. One day we will all sit there and wonder and think back about how life was years ago and pictures capture and allows one to relive those moments. I love doing glamour shots… that is as long as I’m not the one in them, heh, except for at my own wedding of course, that’ll be awesome and I’ll take plenty of pictures with her 😆 I can’t say I’m a pro with my camera, but I can definitely pull of some nice shots like Jen did! I want to be able to tell our kids, “This is what mommy and daddy looked like when we first started dating.” – LOL – awwww… such a cute moment.

So anyways, I’m going to try to feel motivated to make a period-post or something soon… Just really staring at the calendar thinking about how sad it’s going to be when bebe leaves back home. I should also mention that the same day she is leaving (minus time difference) is also the same day my grandfather is scheduled to have his funeral precession – can you say what the fuck? Two horrible things happening on the same god damn day. First bebe pops the news that she’s going home on me ON THE SAME DAY that my grandfather passed away and then on the same day bebe’s departing from Canada is also my grandfather’s funeral day… like really, my life is so worthless right now – anyone want to trade? How could 2 separate but like-incidences happen twice-over like that? 😥

I should automatically win honours at the FML (Fuck My Life) website… I think I’m going to book a sick-day off on the day she leaves because I’ll be at home puking and crying – ya, that’s a totally valid sick-day reason… I’m not sure I could ever handle doing airport duties with her, I’d probably pass-out at the gates or something. Thanks love for ruining my life. So far, 4 nights of nightmares already.. ASS SCARY nightmares, the ones where you wake up with your heart racing and scared shitless as if it was real. I’m worrying too much about bebe and also Ghost Festival (盂蘭節) is coming up which I always seem to be attuned to whenever I’m stressed-out over things and become restless and get nightmares a lot easier. I always ask myself, why does shit like this happen to me? What have I done so seriously wrong? It’s not as if I’ve killed someone or something… although I might start doing that if things are going so messed up in my life anyways it won’t make any difference if I do!

I posed a few people the question, “If doing good things has no reward and doing bad things has no consequence, which would you prefer?” .. struck a lot of people and they were speechless. Yes, that is just what I thought.

And some smart-ass friend of mine today said, “[my name] – you seem really unhappy lately…” and in all reality, he already knew that and he just felt like reminding me of my recent unhappiness over things, I decided to reply, “Gee smart one, where’d you get that fucking clue?” and laughed mockingly. Oh…. how I can be so unfriendly and nasty to people when I’m not in a good mood – shame.

Two things that made me happy today:

1) Played with some little kids today while I was out, they were very cute!

2) Helped two elderly couple and thought to myself, I hope that’s like bebe and I one day – “white hair until old” (Chinese expression) and that we’ll still be loving hand-in-hand walking down the street.

Yes, life’s happiness can just be as simple for me – I am not hard to satisfy.

Morning Revelations

This morning I woke up to a stark revelation for some reason. I had a good nights sleep – or well rather I should say, a decent sleep comforted by knowing bebe has all the intentions of returning to Canada after her vacation. Nevertheless, it hurts me greatly that she doesn’t want to have a lunch/dinner with me because she’d feel it’d be too awkward right now. Sigh is right, but as you can tell from reading my blog, my life is pretty shitty. I’m pretty sure some homeless bum on the street probably has a better love-life than I do. Ok so enough emo for a bit, I just wanted to say that I had a spark of life-eurpohria when I woke up today.

As the clock struck 8:30AM and my alarm went off, I rolled awake and all of a sudden I did feel lucky. I woke up this morning, alive. I opened my eyes and I could see (a bit blurry though of my poor vision, lol). I asked my fingers and toes to move and they did without hesitation. I breathed in air and didn’t choke on it. I don’t hear bombs falling next to my house. I feel energized and healthy – what more can I ask for at this time? I got up and looked up my window, a beautiful backyard, squirrels running and birds chirping. Yes, I am unhappy because I won’t see bebe for over half a year and she won’t even let me do a lunch/dinner with her – but still, life seems so grand albiet all the problems. I have something that many people do not, a healthy body, a restful sleep, money in my wallet and food/shelter. I know everyone who has these luxuries wake up everyday and realizes yet, we rarely show appreciation for it, but rather, we bitch and moan at these shortcomings of life.

Over the past few days I have been less-than-happy and my mood has been pretty sour with people. I’ve been doing a lot of gaming just to keep my mind off the situation and all and I’ll probably continue to immerse my life in doing senseless and objective-less things until she comes back. Any time I sit down and my mind is calm, I think about her. I sit at my desk staring at her picture and my mind wanders off into our future of bliss together. I pick up my phone and look at that beautiful smile of hers on my wallpaper, I open my wallet to see her picture thinking that I can one day share my credit cards and bank account with her, and I fall asleep with her picture sitting on my desk as she watches over me while I snooze and dream of her… god, how can a girl be so cruel to me yet I’m totally crazy over her?

I tell myself 6 months is a lot of time, yet really, not a lot of time. On one hand, when I go back to Hong Kong this year, I don’t have to worry about leaving her behind in Canada. I can perhaps have my last year of being single and being able to fool around with girls while I’m there (AHERM, not sexually, just playfully) and sweet-talk them without feeling guilty. She has half a year to think about her future, what she wants and truly desires from life. I have half a year to be a new and better person. If I lose 2 pounds every month, I will be 12lbs lighter by the time she returns. She will return to Canada fresh from her trip, glowing and vibrant just as I saw her for the very first time in her glory. So much can be accomplished in 6 months that I realized I should not waste this opportunity or see it as hell-on-earth, but a chance for rediscovery and yearn.

Instead of wallowing in my own shit, I have decided to enjoy every moment of these 6 months and although she is not next to me, I should cherish life as it is. My mom always tells me, single life is when I should enjoy the freedom and flexibility. I don’t have to worry about obligations with my girlfriend and planning around each others life. I do not see relationships that way, but obviously there is a degree of obligation to each other and naturally so. I remember at one time I used to rush my life, same with my ex’s, I’d look forward to something so much that when we got to that point in time, things were not as I imagined. Likewise, I want to use these 6 months to prove to her, I am the guy she wants – I am the guy who can complete her life. I don’t want to waste away and rush 6 months waiting for her return, but rather, use these 6 months constructively as if they were my last days on earth. I think as we get older, we realize how every minute counts. When we’re young, we’re invincible and time is not against us. As we get older, we realize that the smaller and finer things in life is what truly makes us happy. Money does not make me happy. Bebe makes me happy – money just acts as a way for us to create moments of happiness for us and memories of eating together, doing an activity together or playing games together – but money is not the end-all-be-all.

I’m excited for 6 months from now, but I’m also exciting about my upcoming vacation. Every little thing will help me make my way through the half a year without her, but I think, if I really do get to spend the rest of my life with her, should she not deserve time with her family/friends and since I will have her for years to come? I am a bit greedy ya and a bit selfish, but love is like that – sometimes what you want is undeniable and even when you recognize it as a flaw, it seems so right. So I’m resolved to making the best of these 6 months and not rushing through it just to get to an end-point. The only thing I’m looking forward to is when she falls into my arms and looks up so I can stare down at her dreamy eyes. Haha, I’m such a believer and a hopeless romantic – hai!

Nevertheless, I should probably get back to work after this quick update. I got a request from one of my readers about a topic I should write on, so time for me to start brainstorming on this! Toodles for now.

Very Short Bitching

Things usually happens in waves… waves of good things happen and waves of bad things happen. Now to come to think of when the last time good things happen was a long time ago. Just yesterday my maternal grandfather passed away leaving me with a total of 0/4 surviving grandparents, then today, bebe tells me that she’s going back home to Malaysia for 6 months.. yes, half-a-fucking year. Now I’m not blaming this on her as she deserves to see her family and friends after years of grueling university work in Canada, but it’s just tough on me – bad things continuously happen. One could imagine given so much stress how can I not be unhealthy and losing hair. This year…. way too many deaths and way too many things for me to deal with and now, the girl who I love will be on the opposite side of the world.

After she let me know, I told myself I am absolutely defiant on not searching for another girl and waiting for her to come back. It’s not to say if another girl were to appear in my life and something sparked that I would not even consider it, but I will definitely NOT go out of my way to go “looking” for the perfect girl when I’ve already found her. I think a few of my friends think I’m crazy on how much patience I have. 6 months, 2 months, 6 months – my life is being burned and wasted just like that… but how can I personally feel it’s a waste when she matters so much to me? I have invested over a year’s time in trying to win her love, what is wrong with me? Can’t she just care about me for who I am? Nevertheless, the one thing about being an ox (Chinese zodiac) is that I’m stubborn and persistent, I will fight this battle to the very end, I’m not letting obstacles bring me down!

I hope she really does come back and starts a career here… she’s going back to relax as a vacation and do some work, hopefully she won’t get too attached to her job there and/or find another guy… I’m such a little worrier. She’s taking years off my life, lol – gives me way too many things to fret over, haha. Gotta keep those damn Malaysian guys away from her! Now to come up with some kind of plan…. hrm… 😆

Anyways, life sucks right now… or maybe it always has and I just wanted to believe there were moments of it I was truly happy… probably can only recollect the time I spent with her as being the “happier” of my days.

Got an interesting “analysis” from one of my regular readers here about me concerning my ideals of a girl in a relationship – rather interesting, some areas are more accurate than others 😛

By: Sophia

Luck is not on your side and I dun think you will like to met someone like that as their brains do not have stuff that you can talk bout….. Anyways, to me, you are those type of guys that love to make decisions for us gals to show your mascunality BUT at the same time, you dun like gals to depend on you on every single thing… Am I right o wrong? dilemma huh…. XD

but, cant you see how 矛盾 you are when you are saying me wrong?
I still stand to my own point… You wan someone who can obey you and yet you wan her to have her own thinking… (and not the very smart kind as you said… )
Face the reality…. you are attract to someone who is independent and does not listen to you all the while…..
You are from a traditonal thiking type of family but, try to look at another angle of the world….. traditional doesnt mean all…. it’s just a concept in your mind and you need to change and change and change when you are growing up….
It’s the same as you wan your parents to think like you when you are growing older and you will be getting frustrated when their mindset are still focusing on their teenage time when they are thiking that we should be like this and like that and when they were young, how they behave and why shouldnt we do so….. etc…..
Open your heart and mind…… ^^

Interesting in how people over the internet perceive me 😛

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